Alesia

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About Alesia

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    Shark! Shark! Shark!

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  1. Leaving early tomorrow morning. Nervous as fuck tbh. Haven't flown in many years and I'm going to a place I don't know on top of that. Good thing is I have isle seats all the way down.
  2. I am only on Estradiol as a matter of fact. I've always always been motherly in some ways. Part of it is just feeling lonely I'm sure. If had a kitten i would probably feel better then I do on the bad days. I do want progesterone to help with breast shape though. Was going to see about it during my next doctor visit in april.
  3. Thought I'd put down some random stuff and experiences for a change. Mostly little things that don't really effect my life other then some griping about them. Maternal Instincts - I had these before I ever was close to transition but the past couple months it's just been turned up to 11. I try to avoid talking about babies too much irl because I will typically end up fighting back tears. At least once I week I end up spending all evening curled up in bed with my stomach in knots and basically obsessing over it mentally. It's more and more become a topic in my therapy sessions for obvious reasons. Hearing a baby start bawling somewhere sends a little flutter of panic through me. Part of me just wishes my body would knock it off because it gets annoying coming back to the same issue over and over. This inevitably leads to issues with my sexuality since I get *really thirsty* for men on those days but I never ever can create emotional connections with them. They always end up being little more then flings at best, while a woman will make my heart do flips all day long. Smell - Both have changed a lot. I'm much more sensitive to anything that might have gone bad. I can smell it the moment I start doing anything with whatever food it is, despite not having this superpower a few months ago. Some things just smell bad, like cooking ground beef no matter how fresh it is. Taste is very much the same way though I crave salty foods due to my T blocker. Skin texture - I'm soft, smooth, and get cut very easily. Though more....elastic if that makes sense. Hair - Body hair has been slowly but surely turning lighter or blond. Growth is extremely slow and shaving keeps me clean for a very long time, sadly facial hair doesn't get that benefit. Head hair has reached a point to where it's nice and silky and has some weight to it. I've found a good care plan for it and it seems to be working. Long enough to put in a french braid now. Emotions - I cry over nearly anything. Emotional Music? Instant tears. Romance? Instant tears. (I'm looking at you Violet Evergarden OST) Boobs - I really seriously need a bra right now but all I'll ever end up doing is using bandaids over my nipples and wearing three layers to hide them Can't really think of anything else....that's not lewd
  4. To put it simply, not many of us (as in trans people) have the energy to deal that kind of interaction. Many of us also deal with those kind of attitudes day in and out, even from our own families. It's even cost people their jobs and lives. It's not about political correctness, its about fatigue. When you catch enough shit for so long from so many people all saying the same things, you would start to become intolerant to it too. We do make light of our particular issues though. (See subreddits like /r/transgendercirclejerk). However you must clue yourself in to the tone of the conversation. This thread has helped many of us in this community come to terms with ourselves, or figure out what was wrong with us in the first place. It's very much a support thread with a side of education, most replies are just respectful to those involved, not a thread with many worn out memes that do little more then annoy at best. I've called myself a "filthy tranny" in jest (though I'm neither filthy or a transvestite [trans people aren't transvestites just fyi]). Like with all things though, there is a time and place. If you have questions then feel free to ask them...normally or respectfully. I'd prefer that this thread stay the way that it has for 100+ pages now. We can shit post attack helicopter memes elsewhere.
  5. Well Forgot about wotlabs for a while. But the jist of the last two months is basically: -Went in and out of a relationship -Watched my personality develop more and more. Though i fluctuate between soft butch and cute maid depending on my energy level lol. This still has a ways to go. -Finally had my mom start to come around. This has been the biggest benefit to my mental health. Even though she doesn't use my name or pronouns hardly at all she does on occasion. She did call me Alesia Violet the other day in the car and it caught me off guard and i ended up crying since i was teared up already. -Chose Violet as my middle name...its what my mom would have named me if I was born in the right body. -kind of learning to stand up for myself. This is hard to put into words but despite my complaints and stuff I've been fighting back at those things, and against the way certain people treat me. -noticed some facial changes, not much but it's something. Boobs have not stopped growing for even a day (oof ouchy my chesty) -added in what excersize I can manage with my schedule. -planned up a trip to Texas in the next couple of weeks. I'll be staying with friends who have my back and a cis girl who is super excited to teach me things. I'll be there from mid February to the end of March. That's basically it.
  6. Doctors appointment went well and all my levels checked out. The at 15 and E at...125 (?). My boobs are visible basically all the time through my shirts, even layered. Still can't afford a bra though and wearing the wrong thing means the rubbing makes me nauseous. .....I really need a bra that fits
  7. Have my first therapist visit in around a month today. I figured out where most of my issues are rooted from (abandonment around my parents imagine that) so I'll have a lot to talk to my therapist about even though I've already processed it and started making baby steps to rebuild my relationships with them. I'll update this post after everything is said and done.
  8. So..... This is what love feels like. Its strange to relearn that it feels like. Holy hell she's amazing though. Also made a winter wish list on amazon for shits n giggles. https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/5VP7U6ZBWK0L Hoping to stick to it and chip away with the little bit of extra money I get a month until I have it all. Unless I get a different job and am able to binge As for body update: breasts are probably a solid B cup, feels like I've gain half a cup size the past couple weeks. Keto diet is also a go along with walking so fingers crossed.
  9. I figured I always vent negative stuff here so I might as well post some positive. My Hair is amazing and growing well Body hair is much reduced and if I shave parts it either doesn't grow back or comes back slowly and blond Flannels are amazing and kinda show off or hide my boobs at will. My skin is fookin soooooooooooooooooooooooffftttt Lewd stuff is simply amazing now Can actually feel emotions rather then just being a empty husk, it's hard to deal with sometimes because I never learned to process emotions in a constructive way That's...it...I guess
  10. Soooo, not had a good time recently. Nightmares got worse while my dysphoria hit an all time high. I'm not coping well with being alone and my right hip (and how kinda my left too) have started in with searing pain. Scuttled to the doctor and got some muscle relaxers which have helped greatly. It still hurts but not to the extent that it did previously. Either I wounded the joint in my sleep or my hips are rotating and I don't know which it is. Its a bit late in my life for my hips to do that but then again my body has surprised me over and over with the estrogen. Also my boobs hurt really bad in the evenings especially and get all puffy, very cones out atm too.
  11. Don't know if this deserves it's own post but..I don't know what to do. My dad visited for the first time in a very long time. Normally I am adverse to his very presence but it was different this time. He was actually nice compared to my mom and things just kind of went "ok." I went to hug him as I left to go home and nearly fell apart. I don't know what it was but for some reason I wanted him to call me his daughter so bad that it hurt. Of course he didn't call me his daughter. It's irrational because I would never expect him to call me his daughter but getting deadnamed and called his son when I wanted the opposite stung like nothing else. It still hurts this morning. I barely made it to my truck before I started crying, and I'm crying his morning too over it. Of course, I did nothing and said nothing. I'm afraid to demand respect from my family in that manner. Being broadsided by thoughts and emotions over a matter I've tried to not care about didn't help anything.
  12. I need to start working on my voice. Its bothering me more and more to the point I dislike talking at all. Edit: Had the impulse to go down to the local bar and try to pick up a guy. It made me want to throw-up I was so disgusted(?) that I would even think that, that I would be that lonely so quickly. I crawled out of bed and made tea, currently just sitting and sipping, trying to relax. Helps me sit up, act like I'm an ice queen and shake it off. I'm really tired of this town. My living situation isn't awful but there's just nothing to satiate me or distract me. I hate it. Edit edit: Looked into a legal name change, costs ~250 in my district. Pppttt
  13. I live 4 hours north of spokane up in the deep red reaches of washington. I'd love to move near Seattle but the housing prices are insane.
  14. Been almost a week since my Ex left. Doing a little better though I still struggle with being alone, I don't think that will ever change. I can't tell if I'm putting up a face that I'm "okay" or that I've been out of love with him for so long that I'm legit. At the very least I feel like I've come out of this with a more solidified idea of who I really am. (Or so I feel). I have zero interest in trying to date any more boys however, I think I learned my lesson with bending myself just to feel like I'm not hopelessly alone....or mistaking affection for love. Also going to make more of an effort to meet people irl, if I could get over to a larger city rather then this shitty po-dunk town.
  15. So on my phone but loads of stuff has happened. (I guess) therapist visit went fine and ended up talking out a lot of stuff with her. Tl;Dr of it is that while I'm fine sleeping with guys I don't ever form very good romantic relationships with them. I've always picked girly boys to try to date and I'm starting to think I've been projecting my (want?) For a boyish-girl onto something thats easier to find but really doesn't work for me. I do think that might truly be one of the barriers I've had given some experimentation. Other then that my body's reaction to arousal has changed drastically and my libido has picked up almost to pre-hrt levels even though my T levels are still right where they need to be....I don't mind it really. At least it feels "right" and not me trying to ignore it because I feel grossed out. Anyways *cough* Nothing really else. the usual complaints really, my ex is leaving the house today thankfully so I can get back to putting my life together. Edit: Noticed that my hair is finally growing somewhat like girl hair thankfully. Spent most of the evening cooking and eating. More clear headed with him moved out officially.