AnArmyofBun

Bun's thread of Transitional Cataloging and discussion (and shenanigans).

2,583 posts in this topic

On 7/10/2017 at 4:54 AM, Alesia said:

they do not knead their own doughs, they simply buy them from the store. 

Ignoring the rest of the mostly incoherent babbling, who buys dough? Like it's not a hard thing to make. Like the only thing you need to not screw up is killing your yeast, admittedly I mostly make breads and biscuits and occasionally cookies or brownies. Except for Christmas where we make orechovnik (Slovak nut roll) I don't really make pastries. The flaky stuff like you see on danishes might be harder to make, you could probably answer this better than me. Though I do remember it took me forever to learn how to actually crack an egg.

 

Vibrating Buns

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I'll probably check in after my appointment but avoid this for a while, I'm not in a mental space for coherent posts.

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Great news that you will be removing an anchor from your life!

When you think about it, the person who has been living with you has been holding you back from moving forward in some areas, causing you to expend a precious part of your energy to drag him along.  You can now redirect that recovered energy into creating the kind of person and future that you want.  I would point out that it's really hard for any person, not just someone who is transitioning, to make serious and permanent changes to their lives.  With that in mind, it might be easier to make all the changes you want without the burden of developing a relationship with a new person ( aside from your therapist ).  There is always a neuro chemical phase at the beginning of a relationship that gives us a high, and drives us to desire both sexual relations and emotional bonding.  The emotional bonding phase often drives us to overlook obvious issues with the other person, and also drives us to modify our own behavior to suit the needs of the other.  In short, you will delay and sabotage the changes you are working towards because you will want to please the other person at the cost of your own development.

tldr;  Just be on your own for a while till you get where you want to go.  Learn to be happy by yourself first, then you will be able to see more clearly the kind of person you can be happy with in a relationship.

 

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Doctors appointment went surprisingly well.  I'm stuck at 304 pounds probably due to stress and hormones being crazy but my triglycerides fell quite a bit, my liver function is back to normal, my Estrogen is in female range, and my T is a whole 8.35 or something like that (bottom of male range is like....350 or something).  At least my weight is "steady" not gaining.

 

As for the therapist...she is actually good.  I am always deeply skeptical with therapists/counselors after the horrible experiences I've had in the past.  I managed not to cry through it but a lot of deeply wounding stuff was talked about, and my current situation.  I calmed down a bit after being able to vocalize stuff.

 

I will be keeping a food, drink, and activity log to try and more consciously keep track of what I'm doing. 

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Glad it went well! I'd recommend MyFitnessPal for the tracking. It's free and there's phone apps too. I've been using it for food/calorie tracking and it's been a big help with losing weight. Some features are paid but the free features have been fine for me. 

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2 hours ago, HibachiSniper said:

Glad it went well! I'd recommend MyFitnessPal for the tracking. It's free and there's phone apps too. I've been using it for food/calorie tracking and it's been a big help with losing weight. Some features are paid but the free features have been fine for me. 

Great app, my wife uses it as well. 

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I got the fitnesspal app and got it set up.  Woke up a whole 3 minutes before I had to be to this beddamned store so my whole day was off to a bad start and iv eaten basically junk food as I go.

SO I'm not logging or tracking anything today xD.  I will be to bed early so that I'm awake by 4am to I have time to make a breakfast and have some coffee.  Plus prepare a lunch.

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Those days happen, the important thing is to try and get back on track the next day. I used to beat myself up about doing that then go "screw it" and end up messing up 3-4 days in a row. Since I've started letting myself slide for a bad day and focusing on doing well the next one instead it's helped a lot. I do recommend logging everything once you start logging though. I've found if I skip logging some things or logging for a day it turns into a habit of not logging pretty quickly, that could just be me though.

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Today was just awful, awful, awful. My mom's usual stuff and my grandma said something so bad about me that even my mom wouldn't repeat it to me.  Breakfast and Lunch went great but once the stress started piling on I broke.  Ended up eating a bunch of chips and dip.  If I counted my calories right it took up my dinner and nudged into the ~800 calories I had left over after making my meal plan for the day, but not by much.  Just going to skip dinner and have some coffee while trying to relax in my hot as shit apartment.

 

Also had bad stomach cramps and the old brown river most of the day, probably a side effect of the Spiro or perhaps just something else.

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11 hours ago, Alesia said:

Today was just awful, awful, awful. My mom's usual stuff and my grandma said something so bad about me that even my mom wouldn't repeat it to me.  Breakfast and Lunch went great but once the stress started piling on I broke.  Ended up eating a bunch of chips and dip.  If I counted my calories right it took up my dinner and nudged into the ~800 calories I had left over after making my meal plan for the day, but not by much.  Just going to skip dinner and have some coffee while trying to relax in my hot as shit apartment.

 

Also had bad stomach cramps and the old brown river most of the day, probably a side effect of the Spiro or perhaps just something else.

That sounds rough, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

Stress can be really hard with eating and diets I know I stress eat quite a bit. One thing that has helped me with that is when I'm really stressed and would stress eat I go walk a mile or two and that normally helps relax me and clear my head. Losing weight is hard and requires quite a bit or work and dedication to maintain it. Don't try to lose it too fast or you'll just make yourself miserable and only lose a bit of weight and then give up and likely gain it all back. A little bit of cheat good is also helpful just don't go overboard. You can do it!

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I've kept it around 1400-1600 calories a day for the past 3 days.  The 1600 calories day I felt like I was eating way more then usual and was stuffed all day long.  The insurance denied me a dietitian visit so I'm kind of on my own.

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I've been logging every single thing that I eat or drink for the past 340 days in MyFitnessPal.  I lost the weight I wanted to lose while using it.  And now I'm still using it mainly because it's just a habit/routine to log everything.  The end result there is that I've held steady at my target weight for more than 6 months now.

Lots of good advice in here about this.  The keys to success for me were to log everything, even if I "fucked up" for a meal/snack/day.  As long as I didn't screw up for a whole week it doesn't matter.  When I was actively trying to lose I was more concerned with where I was at at the end of each week for calories than worry about each day. 

Also, one of the most important things I learned on my journey to be more healthy was self-forgiveness.  We're all human.  We're all going to make mistakes.  We're all going to have rough days, weeks, even months.  As good people we often show compassion and empathy for others.  We forgive them when they wrong us.  And that's great, and that's good.  But really it is so critically important to forgive yourself.  Maybe we ate a tub of ice cream because you had a bad day.  It's done.  Beating ourselves up over something we did in a moment of emotional weakness just perpetuates our negative emotions and can lead to downward spirals.  If my girlfriend ate all of my delicious cookies I wouldn't hold a grudge...I'd forgive her without a second thought.  And as such, if/when I mess up on my regular food routine I forgive myself and move on...move forward.  And once you learn to forgive yourself for something as simple as food it becomes easier to have self-compassion in other areas as well.

 

You can do it!

 

Edit:  Here are a couple of podcast episodes that I find really helpful in explaining what I tried to convey in this post:

http://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2017/5/3/proven-strategies-of-mindfulness-and-self-compassion-with-dr-ronald-siegel

http://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2017/3/22/the-neuroscience-behind-building-a-sustainable-healthy-lifestyle-with-foodist-darya-rose

(I love this entire podcast series.  The things I've learned from it starting at Episode 1 through current have really helped me get a handle on my life and increase my satisfaction, happiness, and success in multiple areas.  I highly recommend it!)

Edited by Dlur

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I tried logging stuff and it honestly just annoyed me and I was terrible about doing it or really figuring out how much I had actually eaten and actually writing it down. I was basically trying to be around 750 calories per meal and pretty much just two meals per day since for a long time that is all I did, eat two meals per day (since I can't stand breakfast foods). Though it didn't leave well for other snacks and I wasn't doing well actually trying to make sure of the amount I was eating (which admittedly part of the issue being that my acid reflux tended to encourage me to eat to reduce pain) and I would eat at somewhat random times and often didn't do well with sleeping.

Instead I've been working the past month or two that I plan out what I'm doing to eat ahead of time instead, for one it lets me plan out what I need to buy for the upcoming week rather than realizing I don't have anything to eat and either have to run out and get or order something or just make whatever I might happen to have on hand, which not only tended to be a lot less healthy but was also more expensive. Ive been using a more set daily routine rather than whenever I wake up and go to sleep and working however many hours during the day and have been pre-planning out my meals to fit with the schedule and knowing ahead of time what I need to actually buy.

My meal schedule (time variation just means its somewhere in that range)

Breakfast - 8-9 am - 200 cal (normally blueberries and almonds)

Lunch - 11 am-12 pm - 500 cal (normally a wrap or soup or something)

Afternoon Snack - 3-4 pm - 200 cal (normally an apple and cheese or popcorn)

Dinner - 6-8 pm - 500 cal (normally some sort of chicken thing with vegetables)

Pickles are also fantastic to include either just as a free snack since it costs almost no calories and contains lots of salt which spiro makes really relevant to us since it makes us want salt and salty food which is normally fatty processed stuffs which are often just empty calories. Also making your own sauces you can more control what goes into things and how they taste at the other end.

Wednesday night we do a pizza night so I'll normally have two small slices which comes about to 500 cal. Sunday is basically like a cheat day mostly due to what we normally do on Sundays. I'll try to eat decently but its also a day for a very good meal for Sunday Dinner.

If possible I avoid drinking any sugary drinks and avoid drinking caffeine (because it makes me shake and make it hard to sleep and make laser hurt a lot and I might forget when the laser is and hurt myself more (which I've done before)). Also they have a lot of calories which don't really add anything often. Also seriously drink lots of water, a lot of times when we feel hungry we are actually thirsty, drink more water. It'll also make you feel a lot better and more awake.

My daily schedule 

Wake up - 6.30 am

Exercise - 7-8 am

House Stuff - 8-9 am (basically shower, take care of any things that need to be done like a bit if dusting or cleaning dishes or putting them away or whatever else)

Work - 9am-6pm (I work from home for now so I can do this pretty easily and includes things not directly related to business stuff like school work and thesis work (which is also related to my actual work stuff))

"Leisure" - 6-10pm (Normally includes a walk from 6-7 though I've moved that back to 7-8 mostly, time to watch TV, craft stuffs, computer stuffs, reading, dungeons and dragons, language practice etc)

Sleep - 10 pm

Saturday I normally take a short day ending work stuff around 2. Sunday I don't work at all.

 

There is a lot of diet information and a lot of diet plans all over the place online Alesia. I've been losing about a pound or pound and a half per week maybe a bit more. In total now I'm down now almost 20 lbs. My ankles are already doing quite a bit better and Ive lost a fair bit around my waist and stomach that among things like my underwear and pants being too big is does make my 'boobs' looks relatively larger which is nice (even if they are still super smol)

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Hello everyone!
I've been taking a brief vacation into the past of late and accordingly haven't been getting those wonderful email updates for the thread. Sorry that I'm a little behind, but I wanted to weigh in on a few things.
 

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

...my biggest fear right now is having to move back in with my mother...and honestly I will do anything to avoid that.  I don't care if I'm going to the local bar and sucking dick for rent.

You seem to write things to this effect quite frequently, Alesia. I have to wonder what always seems to lead you here almost as though this were some sort of foregone conclusion. You have so many options in life, and I don't think it's a good idea to always assume that whatever might go wrong next will just invariably drop you this low.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

As far as hobbies I just don't have any besides baking and making tea...two skills I practice only because I hope one day to have a person worth doing them for.

It seems to me that it might be a good idea for you to find another hobby that isn't in any way connected to your pursuit of a significant other. I know that you have quite a drive to be in a relationship, and that's fine, but it shouldn't be the entire focus of your life. Think forward a bit: what will you do with your time if you do come across someone who is absolutely perfect for you? There's too many hours in a day to fill with tea and biscuits.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

They are all things I love to death but they are also all things that I use to try and find a good ..person to take care of my broken soul.  I made a mistake with my current relationship, trying to be confident and act like I had it all under control. 

Perhaps the root of your problems isn't the lack of someone to carry you through your faults, but a lack of willingness to carry yourself for a while. We all need help sometimes, but becoming completely reliant on it won't help you reach your dreams, whatever or wherever they may be. Allowing yourself to have a bit of confidence and control without judgement or shame might do a lot of good in your life.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

I am in the backwoods of Washington though, there is no one that can appreciate what I would be doing. 

Now that's just not true. I'm on the outskirts of Spokane, and I don't have a choice about it. Being even remotely near Seattle is quite a step up in terms of middle-of-nowhereitude, and that city is chock-full of people with unique and interesting thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

They don't understand how these useless, archaic skills and knowledge I have built up can mean so much to me, how they might be my way of attracting the right one. 

Why not think of these things less as some useless, archaic call for a mate and more as a form of artistry? You clearly have a lot of passion for these things, and there's no reason to relegate them to just being used to attract someone. Why not let yourself enjoy these things for what they are? If they really are something you find satisfying you might even be able to make a business out of them.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:54 AM, Alesia said:

They don't understand ANYTHING but always feel free to pass judgement.  I ducked up when I tried to not just be me, to try and have a "normal" relationship with a "normal" person.  I guess I should say that my confidence only holds up as far as someone proving they love me and can take care of me.  In my current situation I cannot do anything I like and I cannot show my confidence in bed. I have no confidence to ploy, it is outside of everything that I am confident in.

The way that you describe things, it seems like you really do feel like you're just... stuck. Like the world is just whirling around you and you've no agency do anything about it. Please don't forget that confidence isn't everything, and there are many ways to achieve it. One of the great joys of life is venturing into the unknown and exploring what you find there. The lack of confidence is no reason not to just put one foot in front of the other- the things we've never thought to do are often the most interesting.

On 7/10/2017 at 1:37 PM, Alesia said:

The idea of being alone just made my dysphoria worse for a while but I keep reminding myself that I'm just afraid of being alone

Embrace this. Understand where that fear comes from, and do everything in your power not to let it hold you down. I can absolutely understand why this would cause you stress, but nothing should stop you from blazing a trail forward on your own merits. You have what it takes, whether it seems that way or not.

As for dieting, I don't have a whole lot to add to what's already been said. Just make sure that in addition to counting calories, you're also ensuring that you're getting appropriate amounts of the assorted nutrients that one generally gets from food. When you're working to control how much you eat, that can take more effort that it usually does. Additionally, some regularly scheduled low-impact exercise is a good idea. Swimming or bicycling an hour a day three times a week, for example, is a great place to start. Keeping to a schedule really does make it easier to get used to, as well. Standard disclaimers about not being a doctor, lawyer, or omnipotent space-faring creature apply.

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Vac and I talked a about a lot of things today this thread being one of those things. First off, though I think this remark was in jest, sucking dick behind a bar terrible idea, don't do it, if you want to go that path, lose like half your weight and go to porn, you're a lot less likely to get assaulted, you'll make more money, and you're much less likely to catch an STD, and it's not illegal. I hope you don't ever have to sink that low though.

Now one of the things we talked about for a while is that you have a skill, a rather unique one and seem to have a passion for it. We talked for quite a while how you could exploit that whether owning a bakery or establishing yourself on a base and what sort of start up capital you would need. The way you make tea is not simply a premium item, it's really a hyper-premium item. What you do, it can't easily be done like a starbucks without compromising quality. Your stuff we imagine takes a fair bit of time to actually make. Even like a small bakery would still require a fair amount of starting capital and would require you to work to fast. You could offer a service where you go into a home with your tea and some cookies whatever and serve them tea and cookies. This would primarily target the more elderly population and generally the more wealthy. Really all you need is a car (and you can write off a significant portion of the maintenance of the car on your taxes) and the stuff you already have. I don't know how long something like this would take but you could probably do like three sessions each day at like 11am, 1pm, and 3pm and maybe 5pm if you wanted and charge between 100-300 dollars depending on the time and day and however much things cost you. You wouldnt need a large market at all and could probably sustain this just based on the general area you are in. Your operating costs should be relevantly low mostly just paying for the teas, materials to make your pastries, and of course costs for your car. You could probably make a pretty comfortable living doing that. Estimating 400 dollars a day, five days a week, 50 weeks a year would give you a revenue of about 100k, take away your operating costs and taxes you are probably looking at between 50-65k a year and realistically it wouldn't be difficult to raise that further depending on what the market wants. 

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I'm almost always joking about sucking dick  for cash, I can just me terribly cynical.

I don't lack for motivation really, my options are limited by my financial situation though. I scrape by with no money for food or anything extra.  My tits are starting to be more obvious and I can't afford even a sports bra to contain them (lol).

 

The teas and baking are not just to find a mate though.  I may have given that impression falsely when I was venting.  They are things I truly have a passion for and take pride in.

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7 hours ago, Alesia said:

The teas and baking are not just to find a mate though.  I may have given that impression falsely when I was venting.  They are things I truly have a passion for and take pride in.

The tea thing I had suggested could only be done one day a week. It would be a good way to still earn a fair bit of money to buy things of save to do it full time. At least from personal experience, print off some fliers and see if you can put them in a local synagogue, I feel like that will be your easiest group of people to find someone who would be interested in something like this. Churches are probably another area you might find more elderly people interested. I'm sure the trans thing is probably a bit of a concern with that but there are liberal churches and most reform and conservative Jews won't give a shit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Today I went to the endocrinologist for my 6 month appointment. I've lost about 22 pounds down to about 180 pounds which I'm really happy about. Most of my various levels are all back in the normal range from the weight loss which is great. My testosterone is down to 30 from 234 three months ago. My estrogen is still low at 74, so I've been prescribed to increase my daily estrodial to 6mg and won't have to meet with the endocrinologist until January.

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Had a bad day last night because I ate a lot of empty calories when it was the only thing I had to eat.  Went ~300 calories over my limit.  I'm back on track this morning though.

 

Boobs are pretty coned out and aching constantly but they fill out into somewhat rounded boobs so that's good (weight loss would help with the same I hope).  Tried to do a bit of jogging and they bounced and hurt so bad that impact work outs will have to wait until I get a sports bra.

 

 

Edit: my skin is so soft, so so soft.

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Just dropping by with some love.

 

Also, to add to the diet talk, I'm on a low carb diet and it's working wonders for me. Using Lifesum to track my intake, both the food and the water, super happy with that app :)  Lost a lot of weight, always full and content, no more hunger and sugar lows! Mostly eating salads with meat, advocado, parmesan and sour cream, and I've never been this happy to make food, lol :D Also stay really low on calories because of the limited intake of food(just rarely hungry anymore), which is an added bonus. Now just to start working out and get toned, that one is a lot harder, because lazy. :doge:

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On 10/07/2017 at 10:54 AM, Alesia said:

I had a friend start going on about how he wouldn't date me because I didn't have girl bits.....when that wasn't even related to anything we were talking about at the time.  I (figuratively) tore his head off in response.  It wasn't something I needed or wanted to hear right then.  Even if the confidence is nothing but a facade.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Seriously, you need to expel everyone toxic from your life. It doesn't matter if they're relatives, "friends" or whatever anyone that's not worth a damn needs to go.

Well, at least, that's my approach to things.

On 18/07/2017 at 6:51 PM, Alesia said:

Boobs are pretty coned out and aching constantly but they fill out into somewhat rounded boobs so that's good (weight loss would help with the same I hope). 

Aich, wouldn't be so sure of that. Breast mass is generally negatively impacted by weight loss, at least in baseline females (Excuse my terminology, it may be incorrect, I think you know what I mean). I do not know if the same applies in trans women though...

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2 hours ago, OOPMan said:

Aich, wouldn't be so sure of that. Breast mass is generally negatively impacted by weight loss, at least in baseline females (Excuse my terminology, it may be incorrect, I think you know what I mean). I do not know if the same applies in trans women though...

Natal females I think is the term you are looking for. Weight loss will be accompanied by reduction in breast mass really for anyone. Though it should also be noted with weight loss tends to come things like exercise. Weight will tend to be lost from everywhere on the body where it will be deposited generally in specific areas. So the fat will still move around to in some amount fill out the breasts. Whether the breasts appear to grow, maintain themselves, of shrink during transition depends on a number of factors. Also transwomen generally won't see as much breast growth as their female relatives and will often not reach full development normally between a tanner scale 3 or 4 depending on when they began hormones and other factors. I was going to post a chart on Tanner scale but decided it would probably be considered nsfw. 

 

Alesia seems happy about something

6cb7DP6.jpg

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10 hours ago, CiDisguise said:

http://m.startribune.com/trump-to-bar-transgender-individuals-from-armed-horses/436728443/?section=%2F

 

I'm sitting here at my desk, with loads to do but no will to do anything except wonder how completely screwed I am.

I'm so sorry. If you haven't already seen it the ACLU is jumping on this and they are looking for service members to get in touch with them. I wish there was more I could do, this is beyond unacceptable.

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So on my phone but loads of stuff has happened. (I guess) therapist visit went fine and ended up talking out a lot of stuff with her.  Tl;Dr of it is that while I'm fine sleeping with guys I don't ever form very good romantic relationships with them.  I've always picked girly boys to try to date and I'm starting to think I've been projecting my (want?) For a boyish-girl onto something thats easier to find but really doesn't work for me.  I do think that might truly be one of the barriers I've had given some experimentation. 

 

Other then that my body's reaction to arousal has changed drastically and my libido has picked up almost to pre-hrt levels even though my T levels are still right where they need to be....I don't mind it really.  At least it feels "right" and not me trying to ignore it because I feel grossed out.

 

 

Anyways *cough*

Nothing really else.  the usual complaints really, my ex is leaving the house today thankfully so I can get back to putting my life together.

 

Edit:  Noticed that my hair is finally growing somewhat like girl hair thankfully.  Spent most of the evening cooking and eating.  More clear headed with him moved out officially.

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