yesterday i was apparently hugging a tree for 15 minutes completely unconscious, i can’t really put those 15 minutes into words but literally ALL anxiety and stress lifted
i feel no anger, no heartache, no sadness or grief
i realised how broken i was because without them i feel so empty? it was so much of me that without it i need to rediscover my identity?
spiritual awakenings really are strange things, the one bit i remember is a floating in a wormhole of my emotions and the deeper i went the more disconnected from the anxious i got, at the bottom it wasnt there anymore and i turned around, looked back up into what i had traveled through and it made a picture of the root cause of my mental problems. After seeing it I could make amends with it and finally let it go.
I’m back now. In reality, but it still changed everything. I’ve been listening to Alan Watts’ lectures and it’s like they reform me as I consume them, because I’m so empty inside without all the pain that I can take in so much and really start searching for some real character of self that is void of the dark. I’ve never felt clarity before. Anxiety is already trying to weasle its way back, the thought of just ending up with a self of pain again. It exists everywhere, it is keeping society in check. The difference is that I can see it for what it really is now, it’s a lie. It’s not a part of you, it’s just pretending to be so it can survive. I’ve been in my counsciousness, and it is interdimensional. There is no perception of time, no space. What if it is the same? It’s a conscious parasite trying to survive, not visible on this plane. And I got rid of it. Now I feel immune, maybe it’s only for a while but I can’t really know for sure. Clarity really feels amazing, and physically feeling it was a simpler response than I thought. Clarity is the feeling you have when you breathe out almost in hyperventilation after a rush. The short inhale and really hard exhale after you did something thrilling, experienced something traumatic or really just exhausting in general. It’s just buried so deeply within that feeling it at all when it is experienced is hard. It’s also a full body feeling. Head to toe. Once you’ve let go of all that troubles you, it’s there. Always. Zen
I kind of want to see a data sample for a CarbonWard-level player on a sheriff account playing the Luchs for 100 games. I want to see how high a single solo win rate can actually go now exploiting every design error in existence now that tanks has reached maximum imbalanced shit.