ok after reading this, i have to say, im absolute shit at communicating properly clearly, lets see if i can organize this.
1. the padding, i was told that the only thing i needed to do was get my recent up, so i took the fastest route, i also played a fair bit of batchat and is-7 (2 marked the is-7) but clearly since it was my first 10 the stats still appear to be trash,
2. it wasnt that i couldnt listen to calls as much as i was burnt out having no sleep participating in the campaign almost every day (i think i missed 1 or 2 days) from 6pm-12pm or later so sorry i was tired and at times zoned out missing the calls entirely and having to wake up early for school as well leaving me quite drained and sleep deprived.
3. I really am upset at myself because i really hope i didnt blame my toonmate for everything and i have a hard time balancing confidence with arrogance (its something im trying to get better at). Though it would not surprise me if i did part of my ocpd is that it is really hard for me to accept blame but again i know at heart whose fault it usually is (mine). back months ago when i was in 2harm i would try to toon with the harm guys and when i did i would always say "you're in harm im in 2harm so u must be better than me so plz call me out on all the stupid shit i do" and even today i do not think im an amazing player i think i have a good understanding of the game but i have a lot to work on when it comes to decision making and doing so quickly, and i try to toon with ppl better than me in hopes of learning from them and if possible coaching but that usually doesnt happen.
4. It was not that i thought i was too good for pbkac it was that i couldnt stand it there (socially) but at the time was my only option to get the tank. It felt pretty obvious that no one liked me (personally) and that they wanted to kick me but i didnt do anything kick worthy, so i tried (emphasis on tried as i probably failed miserably) to keep my head down and find a new clan that i would be a good fit (socially) in. and again i was trying to appear confident because i assumed that saying im terrible etc would not make a good sales pitch, but i clearly am bad at appearing confident and humble at the same time (advice would be appreciated).
I hope this post can clear some things up and hopefully you can help me improve with good feedback. thank you someone needed to point this stuff out to me, i dont want to have this image as an arrogant selfish ass, im really trying not to be but i struggle always have and probably always will.