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Good day, evening, morning, and night. I'll cover them all considering I don't know where everyone reads from. No thread like this has ever existed on the forums before. Has it ever needed to? Does this one have to? No more or less than any other thread I feel. However, I write this at a personal risk. A personal risk, I take every time I write this, say this, or tell this to anyone. More on that will follow. I don't ask much of anything from the readers beyond polite indifference. You may not agree with me, you may downright think I am disgusting, and evil. Your opinion is your right to have. The only thing I ask, is that you give me not acceptance, not kindness. But the common courtesy of indifference. Even if you choose to post your opinion that differs and stands against me. Do so politely, that's all. You may question "why is she doing this?" The reason is simple. I have nowhere else to do it. Nowhere else I'd rather do it. World of Tanks, and this community is, was, and always will be a milestone for me. It was the first place, the first major competitive game. That I was ever myself in. I have made friends. I have made a lot of friends. They know who I am. Some know who I was. None have left me. I could post this somewhere safe, somewhere I'm guaranteed to have entirely positive reactions and pats on the back but.. This has never been of help to anyone in the long run if that's all they get. Something I have always found here, is a differing of opinions, presented civilly that more than one side can learn from. I value that more than the risk of pain or rejection. We must always be willing to hear a differing of voices. We must always be willing to hear other peoples stories. We must always be willing to *LISTEN* to what someone else has to say. To close off our minds and ears to another human being, is to deny them their existence to an extent. Compromise, understanding, and civility are in short supply. Here, however on these forums we have them in spades. Also a mod team that 150cm's the shit out of anything that doesn't. I will get on with it now, as I have outlined what I'd like to see from this. Along with a bit of humor, if it can be found. My name is Erica. I am a Transwoman. I have been on this Earth for thirty years. For the vast majority of those years I have spent living in states that were less than happy. Starting with confusion and fear. Leading to anger, hatred, and suicidal depression. I will tell you, there is nothing more sobering than hearing the hammer strike the pin, and have nothing happen, paired with the rush of anger that nothing happened. Followed by the utter despair that is knowing you're too much of a coward to put the pain away forever. That somehow, you always manage to misplace the sleeping pills. Somehow, just by accident, you remember something to do at the last minute before you actually use that knife. I went on like that for nearly fifteen years. From fourteen, to twenty eight. I was mistaken. These were not signs of weakness and cowardliness. They were signs of someone, deep inside who wanted to live. I just had to understand her. She'd always been there. Screaming at me. Well, I can spare some of the further details for posts later if anyone asks. It took me until I was twenty eight to finally snap. I broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore. The facade of who I was fell apart like broken glass. All that anger. The hatred I had for myself, that I expressed onto other people. It exploded. The thought of dying like I was, horrified me to the point of illness. Two years ago in January, I told my wife. It still brings her to tears to remember how much pain and fear I expressed to her that night. She's still with me, and will always be with me. Something I'm eternally grateful for. From that day forward, I began taking the steps to change what I was, into what I should have been all along. I'll get on to the point of this thread. I've always liked to think about the way things work, and the way things happen. The entire prospect of what I've been embarking on at my own plodding pace is nothing short of amazing to me. That we can change so much about our bodies just by altering the very chemistry of them, or by surgical prospects that have been nothing but improving over the years and years. The trans community in the past three or so years has come much more into the spotlight. Reports of young children now being identified and helped. This is more controversial than ever. All I can say? Is I wish someone would have been able to identify me as a child. I wish that I had not suppressed everything I felt to avoid my mother and fathers wrath. Their anger, became part of me as I grew up. It made it even harder for me, to hear these stories on NPR, in the news, everywhere and know that I was still stuck and hiding. That all changed. I have begun the process of changing my hormonal balance/ Suppressing what was, and replacing it with what should be. This step is important, and where I felt I should begin my major documentation as the changes have begun. Because it has real permanent changes. After a time, there is no going back. There's no backsies. No get out of jail card. Things about my body will change. Forever. This process is joyful to me, and at the same time so fascinating (Spock'd) that I want to share this. The feelings I am experiencing. The way my mind is changing. With the blocking of testosterone, and the prevalence of estrogen in my body. I used to feel trapped, claustrophobic in my own skin. Like I wanted to peel it off with my nails and find something beneath it that was covered by it's disgusting presence. The rage, and jealousy upon seeing other women that would come at random. The feeling of disorientation and confusion, has all but faded away. It began to lessen the more I let myself be who I was. However the "dysphoria" never was quiet forever. Now, I feel comfortable. Confident in what I have, what I'm doing, and know that there's no going back. This thread, if it survives. Is to allow for the direct communication and conversation with me, about any questions, curiosities, and suggestions you the reader may have. If you don't understand this? Ask me. If you do and have questions? Ask me. All I ask, is that you be polite. Show me the same courtesy I would show you. This is a life long project, and for the next few years it will be absolute center stage in my life. All the pain of laser hair removal. All the joy of seeing myself become more and more acceptable. To the fear of surgical prospects and what they mean, and what their results may be. I share this because I want to risk it. I want to always be part of this community, as who I am. Good, and bad, to whoever may feel that way. Many of the transmen, and transwomen in our community are quiet when it comes to people asking them questions, and I understand why. This is a deeply personal part of their lives, and my life. I choose to do this because I do not want to be silent. I do not want to simply stick to my own group of support. More often than not, when a transman, or transwoman becomes just that man or woman they have always needed to be. They simply stop being anything but that. I will *always* be a transwoman. There are immutable facts of my life that simply cannot be cut, or pill'd away. We need people to always be unafraid to say "This is where I came from". So that people who are lost, and confused? Might find a voice, and find someone to talk to that can help them on their way. If there are any of you reading this. PM me. I'm always willing to talk. Let the discussion begin. Thank you for reading. If I need to edit any of this I will. I know most of my posts can be kind of meandering, but it's kind of how I am. This has nothing to do with Tanks, but it has everything to do with the people I've met, and the community I've come to love. Thank you. Erica - Transbunny. P.S. Like all things, eventually all of this will without fail lead to boob pix. Cause that's a celebration for everyone to enjoy.