Bun's thread of Transitional Cataloging and discussion (and shenanigans).

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

Good day, evening, morning, and night.  I'll cover them all considering I don't know where everyone reads from.  No thread like this has ever existed on the forums before.  Has it ever needed to?  Does this one have to?  No more or less than any other thread I feel.  However, I write this at a personal risk.  A personal risk, I take every time I write this, say this, or tell this to anyone.  More on that will follow.  I don't ask much of anything from the readers beyond polite indifference.  You may not agree with me, you may downright think I am disgusting, and evil.  Your opinion is your right to have.  The only thing I ask, is that you give me not acceptance, not kindness.  But the common courtesy of indifference. Even if you choose to post your opinion that differs and stands against me.  Do so politely, that's all. You may question "why is she doing this?"  The reason is simple.  I have nowhere else to do it.  Nowhere else I'd rather do it.  World of Tanks, and this community is, was, and always will be a milestone for me.  It was the first place, the first major competitive game.  That I was ever myself in.  I have made friends.  I have made a lot of friends.  They know who I am.  Some know who I was.  None have left me.  I could post this somewhere safe, somewhere I'm guaranteed to have entirely positive reactions and pats on the back but..

 

This has never been of help to anyone in the long run if that's all they get.  Something I have always found here, is a differing of opinions, presented civilly that more than one side can learn from.  I value that more than the risk of pain or rejection.  We must always be willing to hear a differing of voices.  We must always be willing to hear other peoples stories.  We must always be willing to *LISTEN* to what someone else has to say.  To close off our minds and ears to another human being, is to deny them their existence to an extent.  Compromise, understanding, and civility are in short supply.  Here, however on these forums we have them in spades.  Also a mod team that 150cm's the shit out of anything that doesn't.  I will get on with it now, as I have outlined what I'd like to see from this.  Along with a bit of humor, if it can be found.

 

My name is Erica. I am a Transwoman. I have been on this Earth for thirty years.  For the vast majority of those years I have spent living in states that were less than happy.  Starting with confusion and fear.  Leading to anger, hatred, and suicidal depression.  I will tell you, there is nothing more sobering than hearing the hammer strike the pin, and have nothing happen, paired with the rush of anger that nothing happened.  Followed by the utter despair that is knowing you're too much of a coward to put the pain away forever.  That somehow, you always manage to misplace the sleeping pills.  Somehow, just by accident, you remember something to do at the last minute before you actually use that knife.  I went on like that for nearly fifteen years.  From fourteen, to twenty eight. 

 

I was mistaken. These were not signs of weakness and cowardliness.  They were signs of someone, deep inside who wanted to live. I just had to understand her.  She'd always been there.  Screaming at me.  Well, I can spare some of the further details for posts later if anyone asks.  It took me until I was twenty eight to finally snap.  I broke down.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  The facade of who I was fell apart like broken glass.  All that anger.  The hatred I had for myself, that I expressed onto other people.  It exploded.  The thought of dying like I was, horrified me to the point of illness.  Two years ago in January, I told my wife.  It still brings her to tears to remember how much pain and fear I expressed to her that night.  She's still with me, and will always be with me.  Something I'm eternally grateful for.  From that day forward, I began taking the steps to change what I was, into what I should have been all along.

 

I'll get on to the point of this thread.  I've always liked to think about the way things work, and the way things happen.  The entire prospect of what I've been embarking on at my own plodding pace is nothing short of amazing to me.  That we can change so much about our bodies just by altering the very chemistry of them, or by surgical prospects that have been nothing but improving over the years and years.  The trans community in the past three or so years has come much more into the spotlight.  Reports of young children now being identified and helped.  This is more controversial than ever.  All I can say?  Is I wish someone would have been able to identify me as a child.  I wish that I had not suppressed everything I felt to avoid my mother and fathers wrath.  Their anger, became part of me as I grew up.  It made it even harder for me, to hear these stories on NPR, in the news, everywhere and know that I was still stuck and hiding.  That all changed.  I have begun the process of changing my hormonal balance/  Suppressing what was, and replacing it with what should be. 

 

This step is important, and where I felt I should begin my major documentation as the changes have begun.  Because it has real permanent changes. After a time, there is no going back.  There's no backsies.  No get out of jail card.  Things about my body will change.  Forever.  This process is joyful to me, and at the same time so fascinating (Spock'd) that I want to share this. The feelings I am experiencing.  The way my mind is changing.  With the blocking of testosterone, and the prevalence of estrogen in my body.  I used to feel trapped, claustrophobic in my own skin.  Like I wanted to peel it off with my nails and find something beneath it that was covered by it's disgusting presence.  The rage, and jealousy upon seeing other women that would come at random.  The feeling of disorientation and confusion, has all but faded away.  It began to lessen the more I let myself be who I was.  However the "dysphoria" never was quiet forever.  Now, I feel comfortable.  Confident in what I have, what I'm doing, and know that there's no going back.

 

This thread, if it survives.  Is to allow for the direct communication and conversation with me, about any questions, curiosities, and suggestions you the reader may have.  If you don't understand this?  Ask me.  If you do and have questions?  Ask me.  All I ask, is that you be polite.  Show me the same courtesy I would show you.  This is a life long project, and for the next few years it will be absolute center stage in my life.  All the pain of laser hair removal.  All the joy of seeing myself become more and more acceptable.  To the fear of surgical prospects and what they mean, and what their results may be.  I share this because I want to risk it.  I want to always be part of this community, as who I am.  Good, and bad, to whoever may feel that way.  Many of the transmen, and transwomen in our community are quiet when it comes to people asking them questions, and I understand why.  This is a deeply personal part of their lives, and my life. I choose to do this because I do not want to be silent.  I do not want to simply stick to my own group of support.  More often than not, when a transman, or transwoman becomes just that man or woman they have always needed to be.  They simply stop being anything but that.  I will *always* be a transwoman.  There are immutable facts of my life that simply cannot be cut, or pill'd away.  We need people to always be unafraid to say "This is where I came from".  So that people who are lost, and confused?  Might find a voice, and find someone to talk to that can help them on their way.

 

 

 

If there are any of you reading this.  PM me.  I'm always willing to talk.  Let the discussion begin.  Thank you for reading.  If I need to edit any of this I will.  I know most of my posts can be kind of meandering, but it's kind of how I am.  This has nothing to do with Tanks, but it has everything to do with the people I've met, and the community I've come to love.

 

Thank you.

 

Erica - Transbunny.

 

 

P.S.  Like all things, eventually all of this will without fail lead to boob pix.  Cause that's a celebration for everyone to enjoy.

[Nalyk 8]

Cheers love.  And I feel as if I should welcome you to this society, but I think you're already welcome so...<3

[cadbrowser 7]

So...where's the boob pixs?  Did I miss them?  

 

I've talked to you before on the WoT Forum and I had no inclination as to your gender then, and I much don't care what you are now.  IOW I accept you as a fellow WoT player and one that has given me great advice in the past.  I also accept you as a person and I know you didn't have to share this personal thing with the community, I am glad you did.

 

Shine on you crazy diamond.

[ViktorKitov 1,444]

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

Cheers love.  And I feel as if I should welcome you to this society, but I think you're already welcome so...<3

 

Thank you.

 

So...where's the boob pixs?  Did I miss them?  

 

I've talked to you before on the WoT Forum and I had no inclination as to your gender then, and I much don't care what you are now.  IOW I accept you as a fellow WoT player and one that has given me great advice in the past.  I also accept you as a person and I know you didn't have to share this personal thing with the community, I am glad you did.

 

Shine on you crazy diamond.

 

Well, you know.  Boob pix will follow healing and after their installation date.  You know how these Boob Technicians are.  They say they'll be there between two and six and don't show up until eight and then track saline and stuff all over the carpet.  I appreciate the sentiment.  I shared this because it's..well..It's I guess terminal.  You don't go back from this point. It's unrepairable for me.  It's a terminal condition I'd never want to ever get rid of   My "gender" doesn't so much matter.  It's more the process of what goes into changing how I feel and am to other people.  It's incredible stuff.  Science, medicine and whatnot.

 

 

This is honestly one of the best responses a person like me could get.  It's just, normality.

[Private_Miros 2,969]

This thread, if it survives.

 

Thread will survive, but some responses, if they warrant it, will be moderated swiftly and harshly.

[Tuco22 12,603]

I admit that in the past i haven't been the most accepting person when it came to transgender or even gay people, its all where i grew up and the people i was around living in a more rural area. 

Guess it took meeting a few good people in this community to almost 180 the way i saw things my whole life, and this is only in the last 3 or 4 years. So God bless and continue living the way you see fit and not the way others perceive you should.  

 

Also bewbs pls.   

[Ruestir 692]

So, platoon?

[Shackram 4,285]

Was wondering when you'd come out.

 

Stay strong, Bun.

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

Thread will survive, but some responses, if they warrant it, will be moderated swiftly and harshly.

 

Such is the risk of the Internets where trolls lurk and people spout opinion as fact

 

Thank you Miros.

 

 

So, platoon?

 

When I come back to play tanks.  I've been taking a break.  I needed some time to get my head right.  Plus, playing tanks while my hormonal levels are imbalanced is a poor idea.  Personally I've been prone to a bit of mood swings.  Not..not so good when dealing with pubbies.  I, you know I don't really want to end up in tears and chat banned? XD

 

Was wondering when you'd come out.

 

Stay strong, Bun.

 

Thank you Shacky.  You know I always <3 you much. 

[CarbonatedPork 1,585]

Congrats on making the first step to becoming outwardly what you've always been on the inside, Erica! I hope you're surrounded by positive and supportive people IRL to keep you going strong. I know we can't pick our family, but we can pick our friends and the WoTLabs community is largely filled with nice folks. I, for one, am glad you monologued the shit outta this forum!

 

Welcome again, the new you! :​D

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

Congrats on making the first step to becoming outwardly what you've always been on the inside, Erica! I hope you're surrounded by positive and supportive people IRL to keep you going strong. I know we can't pick our family, but we can pick our friends and the WoTLabs community is largely filled with nice folks. I, for one, am glad you monologued the shit outta this forum!

 

Welcome again, the new you! :​D

 

Wotlabs is my facebook because it's filled with 100% less stupid people than facebook.  So, it's pretty much Tankbook.

 

I am surrounded by that actually.  My wife stayed with me, she's all for it.  My friends, my family are with me.  My parents find out this weekend or the next, dunno if I'll chicken out.  I wanted to have hard things for them to have to accept.  The medication is..pretty solid, it requires letters of approval and diagnosis. 

[Nalyk 8]

Also your spouse/significant other must be an incredible individual as well.  

 

I know you don't really know me save from being "yet another anonymous bleewb", but I've been down the the depression road before.

 

I'm thankful I managed to make it through to the otherside, likewise for yourself.

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

Also your spouse/significant other must be an incredible individual as well.  

 

I know you don't really know me save from being "yet another anonymous bleewb", but I've been down the the depression road before.

 

I'm thankful I managed to make it through to the otherside, likewise for yourself.

 

She's more incredible than I can ever express.  This kind of thing has the habit of destroying families.  A wise woman once told the very wise woman who does my hair. "We must be prepared to lose everything, our families, our friends, our jobs.  At this cost, we gain ourselves."  It's true.  Thankfully I'm one of the extremely lucky few who hasn't lost anyone (yet).

 

Getting through depression is hard.  Very hard.  It's the ones that don't make it that should give us reasons to keep going.  Beyond our own.

[Rexxie 10,788]

Bun is my bestie <3

[cadbrowser 7]

HAHA, I get a neg rep...WTF?  

 

Well, you know.  Boob pix will follow healing and after their installation date.  You know how these Boob Technicians are.  They say they'll be there between two and six and don't show up until eight and then track saline and stuff all over the carpet.  I appreciate the sentiment.  I shared this because it's..well..It's I guess terminal.  You don't go back from this point. It's unrepairable for me.  It's a terminal condition I'd never want to ever get rid of   My "gender" doesn't so much matter.  It's more the process of what goes into changing how I feel and am to other people.  It's incredible stuff.  Science, medicine and whatnot.

 

LOL, good stuff Bun.  Indeed...SCIENCE effing rules.  I am right there with you on that.

 

How amazing is it that you have a wife that is all for your happiness.  You are very lucky to have that.  If you ever decide to start you own personal blog (wordpress.com is a great free tool - I have one for my Sci-Fi stories) sharing your past experiences, pain, etc and also when the day comes for your journey to surgery...I would love to read that!  

 

I mean, what a great way to reach out to others that went (or are going) through the same things you did...the suffering, the suicidal thoughts.  I think you could really help a lot of hurting people out there.  

[CarbonatedPork 1,585]

Guess it took meeting a few good people in this community to almost 180 the way i saw things my whole life, and this is only in the last 3 or 4 years. So God bless and continue living the way you see fit and not the way others perceive you should.

^

 

This is freaking awesome. <3 you, Tuco!

 

Also: Bun's wife is amazing. Really. You picked her good, Bun!

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

HAHA, I get a neg rep...WTF?  

 

 

LOL, good stuff Bun.  Indeed...SCIENCE effing rules.  I am right there with you on that.

 

How amazing is it that you have a wife that is all for your happiness.  You are very lucky to have that.  If you ever decide to start you own personal blog (wordpress.com is a great free tool - I have one for my Sci-Fi stories) sharing your past experiences, pain, etc and also when the day comes for your journey to surgery...I would love to read that!  

 

I mean, what a great way to reach out to others that went (or are going) through the same things you did...the suffering, the suicidal thoughts.  I think you could really help a lot of hurting people out there.  

 

I think someone missclicked XD.  I do try to reach out to anyone who may be suffering similarly to myself across the platforms I'm present on.  Furaffinity, Second life, now here.  It's my goal to take my grand fortune of having support and relay it on to others who may not be so fortunate.  To do anything less would be irresponsible in my eyes.  I may not be able to help people in other countries, as tolerances, centers, laws, everything's vastly different.  But, here in the states at least I can do Something.

 

This *IS* My first blog post.

 

[7Tesla 162]

Many ignorant people don't accept transgenders into the society because they see them as freaks. I have friends who are completely disgusted by them, and they piss me off so much. Seriously, ignorant much? 

They are humans, like us. They shouldn't be looked down upon. 

It takes courage to be able to write this, and no matter what, your friends and people who care about you will accept you in the society. The dumb people walking on this earth have different opinions, and it should never ever bother you, or care about them. 

I am a young woman, and I always had a soft side for people like you, and gays/lesbians. I couldn't see why people can't accept them. 

Stay strong, Bun. ^^

[Moonrider 23]

You're a brave woman, Bun. Most of the openly transgender people I know are incredibly brave too. It's not exactly something the rednecks and neo-cons here in VA are comfortable with.

 

Once I start performing again I'll send some invites your way. Should be hitting the Tidewater area in a couple months.

 

[MAJEST1C 412]

"One small step for a man, one giant leap for man kind..."

I have some similar feelings along the way, constantly confuse, angry and depress; don't know who or what.

[Otis 370]

My wife stayed with me, she's all for it.

 

Wow, she sounds incredible.  Do you guys have kids and if so, how did you handle that part?  Sorry if this is too personal, I'm just an intensely curious person.

 

And you better deliver on the boob pix.  I will have it as my desktop background and subtitle it "My Hero."

[cadbrowser 7]

I think someone missclicked XD.  I do try to reach out to anyone who may be suffering similarly to myself across the platforms I'm present on.  Furaffinity, Second life, now here.  It's my goal to take my grand fortune of having support and relay it on to others who may not be so fortunate.  To do anything less would be irresponsible in my eyes.  I may not be able to help people in other countries, as tolerances, centers, laws, everything's vastly different.  But, here in the states at least I can do Something.

 

This *IS* My first blog post.

 

 

LOL...right on.  I was almost curious to the point of paranoia that someone from the other forum decided to follow and neg me.  Silly how the brain works, isn't it?  OIY.  Time to put the tin-foil hat away.

 

I think you are doing a great thing here Erica.  I hope you can help those in need, as well as help those who are ignorant to learn how to become enlightened by accepting of others...because we are all HUMAN.  You never know, there are a lot of people from all over that play World of Tanks.  You might be surprised at how many you might be able to reach and help, even if by proxy.  

 

All it takes is one.

 

Congratulations then on your first blog post!  I look forward to more.

[Garbad 10,517]

As long as you aren't a clicker, I'm cool with it.

 

P.S.  I can't decide if its a good thing that our resident neckbeards are treating you like any other woman (ie, boob requests) or if it shows how backwards they actually are. 

[AnArmyofBun 1,122]

As long as you aren't a clicker, I'm cool with it.

P.S. I can't decide if its a good thing that our resident neckbeards are treating you like any other woman (ie, boob requests) or if it shows how backwards they actually are.

Well. I can't reply to everyone yet. I'm on mobile but I will when I get home. As for this. It's not what it looks like Garbad. To me? The day I can be happy to wear a shirt that shows them a bit? I will. Why wouldn't I share something that worth celebrating.

That's boob day. Nobody can dislike boob day. They're not being awful. It's a bit of humor that everyone can chuckle at. They're not backwards in this case. In this case. Boob pix are a victory for all. Especially me.