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AnArmyofBun

Bun's thread of Transitional Cataloging and discussion (and shenanigans).

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On 5/7/2017 at 9:41 PM, Alesia said:

Welp....got a job for a month and was canned for no reason.  So...unemployed now...

That sucks, I'm sorry. Awesome that the HRT is going well though!

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We have recently gotten someones pet bunnies who escaped and have been hanging around our house.  I can't believe some dogs haven't run them to ground yet.  They are very tame.

 

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On 06/08/2017 at 10:25 AM, Signy said:

"9-Bun-Bun, what's your emergency?"

Hiiii, hope yous two are doing alright.

 

 

Anyways update...

Breasts has been swelling/growing just a tiny bit....or rather just changing shape a little.  Emotions have progressively gotten more...weird.  I'll almost always start sobbing if my emotions run high.

 

Also...nipple pain.  I try to be carefull and everything but when you dive into bed and they drag over a rough blanket....sweet baby Jesus I thought I was dead for about 5 seconds.

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On 5/15/2017 at 1:23 PM, Inciatus said:

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Bun is featured a new movie where she breaks out of prison.

The man can't keep me locked up.

On 5/21/2017 at 8:09 PM, Inciatus said:

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Gotta get head somehow.

On 6/8/2017 at 10:31 AM, Inciatus said:

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Bun apparently graduated from the police academy. Congrats Bun! 

Keepin my peeps safe.

On 6/8/2017 at 11:25 AM, Signy said:

"9-Bun-Bun, what's your emergency?"

My house is on fire.  I'm 2 hot.

On 6/12/2017 at 9:15 AM, Alesia said:

Hiiii, hope yous two are doing alright.

 

 

Anyways update...

Breasts has been swelling/growing just a tiny bit....or rather just changing shape a little.  Emotions have progressively gotten more...weird.  I'll almost always start sobbing if my emotions run high.

 

Also...nipple pain.  I try to be carefull and everything but when you dive into bed and they drag over a rough blanket....sweet baby Jesus I thought I was dead for about 5 seconds.

Hey yeah we're doing okay.  We've settled into new mexico and are living life one day at a time.  Keeping up as we can.  Saving here and there.  Scraping and stuff.  But we're doing okay.  Also yeah that will happen.  Nipple sensitivity all that..Mood stabilizers help a lot with the swings if you can get them via your shrink.  Everything kinda blew up for a while. It took me a Really long time to heal.  But, I'm alright now for the most part.

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On 06/13/2017 at 3:37 PM, AnArmyofBun said:

The man can't keep me locked up.

Gotta get head somehow.

Keepin my peeps safe.

My house is on fire.  I'm 2 hot.

Hey yeah we're doing okay.  We've settled into new mexico and are living life one day at a time.  Keeping up as we can.  Saving here and there.  Scraping and stuff.  But we're doing okay.  Also yeah that will happen.  Nipple sensitivity all that..Mood stabilizers help a lot with the swings if you can get them via your shrink.  Everything kinda blew up for a while. It took me a Really long time to heal.  But, I'm alright now for the most part.

 

Frankly I'm OK with the swings...it's more like I'm capable of feeling and expressing emotion now rather then being a numb, empty husk.

 

Aparently my SO has some surprise lined for for like 2 weeks from now...been totally mum on it when I ask lol.   Something tells me it's going to be clothes or sex toys....just an educated guess. :P

 

 

Had a bit of a spat with my mom soon after my last post.  just the usual "you're doing such terrible things to your body" tripe.  As if all the heavy drinking and self harm was better.  All that matters is that I feel more sane now and more confident is everything.

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On 6/13/2017 at 6:37 PM, AnArmyofBun said:

Hey yeah we're doing okay.  We've settled into new mexico and are living life one day at a time.  Keeping up as we can.  Saving here and there.  Scraping and stuff.  But we're doing okay.  Also yeah that will happen.  Nipple sensitivity all that..Mood stabilizers help a lot with the swings if you can get them via your shrink.  Everything kinda blew up for a while. It took me a Really long time to heal.  But, I'm alright now for the most part.

Glad to hear you are doing well!

On 6/12/2017 at 11:15 AM, Alesia said:

Breasts has been swelling/growing just a tiny bit....or rather just changing shape a little.  Emotions have progressively gotten more...weird.  I'll almost always start sobbing if my emotions run high.

Also...nipple pain.  I try to be carefull and everything but when you dive into bed and they drag over a rough blanket....sweet baby Jesus I thought I was dead for about 5 seconds.

They do that. I find drinking water when emotions are doing things lets me control them. Starlight Mints also work really well for me though I may have just conditioned myself for them to have that effect starting as a distraction and then being calming since I take them during stressful situations like tests and laser and getting blood drawn.

Bw049f5.gif

 

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Have a duo doctor and therapist visit early next month, went and did a blood test last night.

 

Really really starting to get all this repressed dysphoria about my body bubbling up.  I had to take 2 days away from everyone just to dust myself off and talk myself up rather then what was going on.

Today though, oh boy....

Got wrangled into a family photo.  I've never ever been so disgusted with my fat fucking face.  Just seeing that made me feel sick about my whole body.  I just can't stop thinking about it either, I'm just fucking disappointed and grossed out to an extreme. 

 

Going to be making good use of that therapist I feel.....if she can handle me and just everything.

 

Also noticed a big shift in my sex drive that just decided to crop up a day back.  My SO won't have sex with me but fuck do I drive her nuts snuggling up to her all the time.  It's not about just getting off anymore, much more about my emotions to her and just wanting to be as close as possible....with her in my butt :^)

 

 

SPeaking of that....a little vent.  I'm fucking tired of the sexlessness, her sitting on the computer all day, ignoring me, refusing to compromise in ANY way with sex and to top it off basically going the bare minimum in everything, including job searching.  I get impulses to kick her ass out but then I remember that I kinda do love her and that she has nowhere to go if I did that, and no resources to survive.  The lack of any sex makes it worse.  I literally have several boys that would jump in my bed in an instant.  I would never cheat on her or anything but fuck I feel lost with the entire situation.

 

Also I'm poor, barely made rent this month, no food, can't pay the electricity or on my credit account or my Internet bill.  I'm so lucky that the state insurance is covering 99% of my treatments/visits.  I would probably have offed myself by now if It wasn't for the hormones and not drinking gallons of Wodka anymore...

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Addition:  Did some thinking and realized my and my SO haven't had ANY sexual contact since late January.

I'm so fucking done with being ignored in every way possible right now. 

*Angerly Paints Nails*

 

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@Alesia Financial stress can have a serious impact on a relationship. Hope you and the SO don't forget to communicate because that solves a lot of problems in life whereas the opposite leads to blow-outs fights in the long run :-/

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On 06/29/2017 at 2:15 AM, OOPMan said:

@Alesia Financial stress can have a serious impact on a relationship. Hope you and the SO don't forget to communicate because that solves a lot of problems in life whereas the opposite leads to blow-outs fights in the long run :-/

I try communication constantly, it just goes nowhere.  Between that and begging him to apply to jobs.  I'm just done...really.  I need someone responsible, who will get a job and keep it, and who will make love to me....it's really quite simple and it is not happening in the current relationship.  He sits on his computer like 20 hours a day playing games....doing nothing else.  No amount of talking has fixed a single thing, it either ends with him insulting/humiliating me or ignoring me.

 

 

I

Am

Done

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2 minutes ago, Alesia said:

I try communication constantly, it just goes nowhere.  Between that and begging him to apply to jobs.  I'm just done...really.  I need someone responsible, who will get a job and keep it, and who will make love to me....it's really quite simple and it is not happening in the current relationship.  He sits on his computer like 20 hours a day playing games....doing nothing else.  No amount of talking has fixed a single thing, it either ends with him insulting/humiliating me or ignoring me.

 

 

I

Am

Done

Yeah, gotta say, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship :-(

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Sorry to hear about your relationship issues. Hopefully you work it out with him? her? I imagine your transition could be stressful for them as well. Maybe try to get them out of the house a little bit for a walk or whatever. It seems like they are probably playing the computer so much to try to deal with situation. Getting them some outside air could do them a lot of good or getting them moving just a little exercise or whatever might go a long way in helping them get moving.

If that doesnt work go for @Solono. The ship will resume! You two are perfect for each other. You have high sex drives, are both broke, use this forum, Im sure there are other things; you guys have chemistry and if not than Solono can provide the chemistry.

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If anything I'll pack up a few things and flee down to Texas for a week or so to stay with a friend.  I don't have the money to do it but that's what I'd do. Just spend a week worrying about ME and ME only.

 

And sex

Lots of sex

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That seems like it would be a bit long to go, an inefficient use of time and money that you dont have, and, unless the relationship you are currently in is open, immoral. I can understand wanting me time and being able to just worry avout yourself but that seems an awfully poor way to do it.

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44 minutes ago, Inciatus said:

That seems like it would be a bit long to go, an inefficient use of time and money that you dont have, and, unless the relationship you are currently in is open, immoral. I can understand wanting me time and being able to just worry avout yourself but that seems an awfully poor way to do it.

I wouldn't do any of that while still dating.  I'm going to end the relationship, at least romantically, by the end of the month. 

 

Naturally I don't have the money to go anywhere anyways but if it did...

Ive spent nearly 3 years being my family's whipping boy while they ran off to all places while I stayed at home with all the responsibility.  I just want a little while where I can take care of myself rather then worrying about littlething#9000

 

Edit : also getting away from my mom's abuse, trying on dresses drinking lots of tea, just having a bit of fun for once.

But above all I'm not going to support someone that is both financially and romantically a lay-about and burden that contributes little or nothing to the situation.  it just isn't worth my time.

AAnd yes I agonized for a long time thinking that I was just being too demanding but on month #4/6 of that presin doing nothing but play games while I can't pay for food or rent and they don't clean or have sex with me.....well I just loose that spark and they become nothing more then a bad roommate...

Ive already shed my tears over this so many times that I've already moved on emotionally.  I've only stayed loyal because I know it's the right thing to do for that person. Ending the relationship is just the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

Sometimes they will do something small like clean the kitchen and I'll second guess everything but it always turns into weeks of them doing nothing but play games after that little thing.

It reminds me more then anything though of relationships I've had in the past where I was the only one who cared.  it was one sided and the other person didn't give a flying fuck about me despite leading me to think otherwise.  I won't go through that pain again, I won't. I never want to hurt that bad ever again

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Hi Alesia,

I know we don't know each other, so please take what I am going to say with a grain of salt.  From reading your posts, it is obvious you are very serious about transitioning, it is also obvious that you have been struggling with many elements of your life outside this transitioning process.

I would encourage you to stop and work on your self esteem now, before you do anything else.  I say that because I am afraid that with your low self esteem, even if you get your operation, you will be disappointed in the results.  If you don't like yourself or your life now, the factors that cause that are far more complex and deep rooted than just your gender identity.  Do you see what I am saying?  You may become more unhappy when this process you have been desiring for years actually occurs, and you are no happier than before.  That is a very possible outcome based on just your posts from the past few weeks.

Secondly, I would encourage you to talk to your roommate and set definitive boundaries with consequences for failing to meet expectations.  Get a job by Friday next week, no using the computer when I am at home except from time x till time y, be in bed with me by time z when I go to sleep for work.  The guy will probably get pissy, he will complain you are controlling him and your best reply is this:  "yes, I am controlling you because you have no self control, when you exhibit self control and begin acting like an adult we can lift these controls."  If he threatens to leave, get some plastic trash bags, hand them to him and send him out the door.  OUT THE DOOR.  You will be doing yourself ( and him truthfully ) a big favor,  neither of you is getting anything out of what is happening right now.

It seems like the reason you are putting up with this persons rude and unfeeling behavior is that you don't want to be alone.  That is natural, no one wants to be alone all the time, and I realize that your family is not too supportive either so he might seem like the only option.  Yet I think you realize that you are pretty much this guys mom at this point, you are providing shelter, food and entertainment, and he is providing .... nada.  Reach out and find groups or clubs that align with your interests and start meeting new people, positive people after you "clean house".  I would also encourage you to read books with a purpose, not just for entertainment.  From my life experience, the two things that determine your success and happiness in life are the people you associate with and the books you read.  Get rid of negative people, don't waste time with trash TV or books that simply eat your time and don't leave you an iota wiser or more understanding of your life and it's potential.

I have stated before that I don't understand what it feels like to want to be a different sex, I doubt I ever will.  Yet we as fellow humans can reach out and help with the things we do understand.  Do the first thing first, feel good about yourself and make choices that will lead to positive results.  Get out and walk more, drink lots of water, find a team you can join ( pool team? darts? neither require you to be in great shape to start ) and start to enjoy life.  You have to enjoy the process of the change you are making, because the change itself will not automatically make you happy.

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On 07/07/2017 at 8:43 AM, Inciatus said:

 

On 07/07/2017 at 8:03 PM, BiggieD61 said:

Hi Alesia,

I know we don't know each other, so please take what I am going to say with a grain of salt.  From reading your posts, it is obvious you are very serious about transitioning, it is also obvious that you have been struggling with many elements of your life outside this transitioning process.

I would encourage you to stop and work on your self esteem now, before you do anything else.  I say that because I am afraid that with your low self esteem, even if you get your operation, you will be disappointed in the results.  If you don't like yourself or your life now, the factors that cause that are far more complex and deep rooted than just your gender identity.  Do you see what I am saying?  You may become more unhappy when this process you have been desiring for years actually occurs, and you are no happier than before.  That is a very possible outcome based on just your posts from the past few weeks.

Secondly, I would encourage you to talk to your roommate and set definitive boundaries with consequences for failing to meet expectations.  Get a job by Friday next week, no using the computer when I am at home except from time x till time y, be in bed with me by time z when I go to sleep for work.  The guy will probably get pissy, he will complain you are controlling him and your best reply is this:  "yes, I am controlling you because you have no self control, when you exhibit self control and begin acting like an adult we can lift these controls."  If he threatens to leave, get some plastic trash bags, hand them to him and send him out the door.  OUT THE DOOR.  You will be doing yourself ( and him truthfully ) a big favor,  neither of you is getting anything out of what is happening right now.

It seems like the reason you are putting up with this persons rude and unfeeling behavior is that you don't want to be alone.  That is natural, no one wants to be alone all the time, and I realize that your family is not too supportive either so he might seem like the only option.  Yet I think you realize that you are pretty much this guys mom at this point, you are providing shelter, food and entertainment, and he is providing .... nada.  Reach out and find groups or clubs that align with your interests and start meeting new people, positive people after you "clean house".  I would also encourage you to read books with a purpose, not just for entertainment.  From my life experience, the two things that determine your success and happiness in life are the people you associate with and the books you read.  Get rid of negative people, don't waste time with trash TV or books that simply eat your time and don't leave you an iota wiser or more understanding of your life and it's potential.

I have stated before that I don't understand what it feels like to want to be a different sex, I doubt I ever will.  Yet we as fellow humans can reach out and help with the things we do understand.  Do the first thing first, feel good about yourself and make choices that will lead to positive results.  Get out and walk more, drink lots of water, find a team you can join ( pool team? darts? neither require you to be in great shape to start ) and start to enjoy life.  You have to enjoy the process of the change you are making, because the change itself will not automatically make you happy.

My phone is awful so the formatting on this might be messed up.  I don't even know if this is going to be a good responce as I've been crying and I'm very tired.

 

I Do do what I can to do things for myself, I'm normally a confident person, especially when it comes to sex but the way the relationship has gone has left me with little left.

 

It has become official that he is moving out at the end of the month though.  my biggest fear right now is having to move back in with my mother...and honestly I will do anything to avoid that.  I don't care if I'm going to the local bar and sucking dick for rent.

 

Don't misinterpret my ranting here as a total lack of confidence though.  I'm sure of everything I do...I'm just lost at the moment, and emotional.  I had a friend start going on about how he wouldn't date me because I didn't have girl bits.....when that wasn't even related to anything we were talking about at the time.  I (figuratively) tore his head off in response.  It wasn't something I needed or wanted to hear right then.  Even if the confidence is nothing but a facade.

 

As far as hobbies I just don't have any besides baking and making tea...two skills I practice only because I hope one day to have a person worth doing them for.  My mother's abuse fucking broke me on a fundimental level.  I can only be confident to a point, in anything I do.  A huge part of my screams out for attention and recognition  from someone i love.  I want them to pet my head and tell me I'm a good girl and tell me everything will be alright.  The books, the tea, the baking, the old fashioned dresses.  They are all things I love to death but they are also all things that I use to try and find a good ..person to take care of my broken soul.  I made a mistake with my current relationship, trying to be confident and act like I had it all under control. 

I have kept all my tea sets squirreled away because I know that he cannot respect them, respect me, or the effort that I put into things....so I just do the minimum I can.  I do know I need to reset once he is gone, I need to get my tea sets out, my biscuits, my cakes, all that stuff and get back to it.  I am in the backwoods of Washington though, there is no one that can appreciate what I would be doing.  Most loose their minds when they find out that I spent $550 on a tea set, but never care to ask why.  How the bone China effects the heat displacement in the teas and brings out the delicate flavours while ceramics tend to insulate and muddle them by keeping the tea needlessly hot, or even what tenperatures to steep them at, they do not knead their own doughs, they simply buy them from the store.  They don't understand how these useless, archaic skills and knowledge I have built up can mean so much to me, how they might be my way of attracting the right one.  They don't understand ANYTHING but always feel free to pass judgement.  I ducked up when I tried to not just be me, to try and have a "normal" relationship with a "normal" person.  I guess I should say that my confidence only holds up as far as someone proving they love me and can take care of me.  In my current situation I cannot do anything I like and I cannot show my confidence in bed. I have no confidence to ploy, it is outside of everything that I am confident in.

l  My trans-ness has nothing to do with that at least, I'm not using it to seek attention, it's just another thing that is broken in me.  It is something that I have to fix about myself, something I am ashamed of at times, even if the weightless and budding tits make me feel incredible (and the orgasms).  I'm actually happy when I see signs of my face growing more effeminate.  I celebrate every little victory and my happyNess growing, the estrogen letting me think straight, to many things to list.  I am not worried about how I will look in the end, anything us better then how I looked before, I was at rock bottom.

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Yeah that wasn't coherent at all...

 

Edit:  Started Working on my voice in earnest.  Talked with my SO again, they will be leaving the 1st or the 2nd of next month.  The idea of being alone just made my dysphoria worse for a while but I keep reminding myself that I'm just afraid of being alone, that the toxicness and bad money situation will only persist if this doesn't happen.  I have a doctors appointment...well today I guess, as well as a therapist visit.  I don't think the therapist is prepared to take a trans person, especially with the shape I'm in now though she seemed adamant to try.  I have seen some slight changes to my face but it just makes me want to leave my old body behind even more...and get FFS because I face is badly shaped to start with but that's something I just have to roll with I guess.

 

Edit Edit:

 

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