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AnArmyofBun

Bun's thread of Transitional Cataloging and discussion (and shenanigans).

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Been almost a week since my Ex left.

 

Doing a little better though I still struggle with being alone, I don't think that will ever change.  I can't tell if I'm putting up a face that I'm "okay" or that I've been out of love with him for so long that I'm legit.

 

At the very least I feel like I've come out of this with a more solidified idea of who I really am. (Or so I feel).  I have zero interest in trying to date any more boys however, I think I learned my lesson with bending myself just to feel like I'm not hopelessly alone....or mistaking affection for love.
 

Also going to make more of an effort to meet people irl, if I could get over to a larger city rather then this shitty po-dunk town.

 

 

Edited by Alesia

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It'll take some time, but you'll feel better soon enough. You've cut out a big weight from your life like popping a dislocated joint back into place. It's gonna hurt for a while. I also wouldn't give up on finding anyone at all. Though not trying to immediately find a new boyfriend is probably a good thing.

Where exactly do you live? You've said before you live in Seattle. The Seattle metropolitan area has over 3.7 million people in it and the city itself has over 600,000 people in it. Do you live rather far outside of seattle? Like how someone might say I live in Orlando even though I'm more than an outside of Orlando?

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38 minutes ago, Inciatus said:

It'll take some time, but you'll feel better soon enough. You've cut out a big weight from your life like popping a dislocated joint back into place. It's gonna hurt for a while. I also wouldn't give up on finding anyone at all. Though not trying to immediately find a new boyfriend is probably a good thing.

Where exactly do you live? You've said before you live in Seattle. The Seattle metropolitan area has over 3.7 million people in it and the city itself has over 600,000 people in it. Do you live rather far outside of seattle? Like how someone might say I live in Orlando even though I'm more than an outside of Orlando?

I live 4 hours north of spokane up in the deep red reaches of washington.  I'd love to move near Seattle but the housing prices are insane.

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Also one thing my sister had recommended to me was an app called Bumble. I haven't used it since we were just talking about it last night though you can apparently use it on a BFF setting (at least if you register as a grille, no idea about if you register as a guy) to help find friends in the area. Which will honestly be useful to me since I pretty much have only one friend in Daytona and Im not expecting that relationship to survive the year. You can also use it for dating and apparently it's a lot less hookupy.

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49 minutes ago, Dlur said:

I saved that comic just so I could post it here.  OOP beat me to it :)

I did the same thing but was thinking I'd wait till Bun posted then post it as a response. Should have figured someone here would post it before then. :)

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I need to start working on my voice.  Its bothering me more and more to the point I dislike talking at all.

 

Edit:

Had the impulse to go down to the local bar and try to pick up a guy.  It made me want to throw-up I was so disgusted(?) that I would even think that, that I would be that lonely so quickly. 

 

I crawled out of bed and made tea, currently just sitting and sipping, trying to relax.  Helps me sit up, act like I'm an ice queen and shake it off.  I'm really tired of this town.  My living situation isn't awful but there's just nothing to satiate me or distract me.  I hate it.

 

 

Edit edit:  Looked into a legal name change, costs ~250 in my district.  Pppttt

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Don't know if this deserves it's own post but..I don't know what to do.

 

My dad visited for the first time in a very long time.  Normally I am adverse to his very presence but it was different this time.  He was actually nice compared to my mom and things just kind of went "ok."

 

I went to hug him as I left to go home and nearly fell apart.  I don't know what it was but for some reason I wanted him to call me his daughter so bad that it hurt.  Of course he didn't call me his daughter.  It's irrational because I would never expect him to call me his daughter but getting deadnamed and called his son when I wanted the opposite stung like nothing else.  It still hurts this morning.  I barely made it to my truck before I started crying, and I'm crying his morning too over it. 

Of course, I did nothing and said nothing.  I'm afraid to demand respect from my family in that manner.  Being broadsided by thoughts and emotions over a matter I've tried to not care about didn't help anything.

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One thing I've learned is that family aren't necessarily the people you're related to. Those are just relatives.

Real family are the people that come into your life and stay there that accept you for all your failings, quirks and oddities and help you be a better person.

Obviously, it's nice if your relatives can fit this mould but it's not a requirement. For me and my wife, it's not the case. But we have each other and we have various close friends and that's all you really need imho...

That said, being completely alone is pretty horrible (And I say this as an introvert that generally finds people tedious to talk to when they're not on the other side of a screen...)

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On ‎7‎/‎15‎/‎2017 at 3:04 PM, Alesia said:

I've kept it around 1400-1600 calories a day for the past 3 days.  The 1600 calories day I felt like I was eating way more then usual and was stuffed all day long.  The insurance denied me a dietitian visit so I'm kind of on my own.

Don't just count calories count carbs as well.  150 carbs per day is a good number to start at.  45 carbs per meal plus 1 15 carb snack.  Walking is a good way to burn calories without beating yourself up.  2 to 4 miles 4 to 6 times a week.  You need to burn like 7500 calories to lose one pound.  Set small goals, ie get below 300 by the end of August, 280 by Thanksgiving ect. 

Here's the kicker though ... doing cardio only burns calories when actually performing the exercise.  If you ever start lifting weights, you will lose inches but gain or maintain weight usually.  However weight lifting has the boon of burning calories all day, which helps you lose or at least maintain weight.

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19 minutes ago, xWulffx said:

Don't just count calories count carbs as well.  150 carbs per day is a good number to start at.  45 carbs per meal plus 1 15 carb snack.  Walking is a good way to burn calories without beating yourself up.  2 to 4 miles 4 to 6 times a week.  You need to burn like 7500 calories to lose one pound.  Set small goals, ie get below 300 by the end of August, 280 by Thanksgiving ect. 

Here's the kicker though ... doing cardio only burns calories when actually performing the exercise.  If you ever start lifting weights, you will lose inches but gain or maintain weight usually.  However weight lifting has the boon of burning calories all day, which helps you lose or at least maintain weight.

I don't think that's bad advice but speaking from experience if I had tried to count carbs and other things as well as calories when I was starting on reducing my calorie intake I would have found it overwhelming and probably said to hell with all of it. For me at least there's a lot to be said for keeping it simple, I generally try not to load up on carbs like crazy but as long as I'm doing good on calories I'm not too worried about it. I've kept up a 1.5lb/week average loss for 6 months now with just calorie counting, trying to eat more vegetables as a general rule, and trying to take a walk (at least 10 min or so) every day (I don't have an active job or very active hobbies). I have found that cooking more often does make it a lot easier to hit my calorie target (crock pots are an amazing tool for any lazy cooks like me).

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7 hours ago, HibachiSniper said:

I don't think that's bad advice but speaking from experience if I had tried to count carbs and other things as well as calories when I was starting on reducing my calorie intake I would have found it overwhelming and probably said to hell with all of it. For me at least there's a lot to be said for keeping it simple, I generally try not to load up on carbs like crazy but as long as I'm doing good on calories I'm not too worried about it. I've kept up a 1.5lb/week average loss for 6 months now with just calorie counting, trying to eat more vegetables as a general rule, and trying to take a walk (at least 10 min or so) every day (I don't have an active job or very active hobbies). I have found that cooking more often does make it a lot easier to hit my calorie target (crock pots are an amazing tool for any lazy cooks like me).

KISS method is the best way to start, then add on things as you have mastered the basics.  There are over 10-20  good ways to lose weight, so the method is not really the problem - it's the discipline to follow the method day by day.  Pick your plan, and learn to follow it day by day - just keep focusing on following your plan for THAT day - not tomorrow's plan or trying to make up for yesterday's screw up. 

The biggest mistake people make when trying to make a life change, is changing 3 or 4 bad habits simultaneously - and it rarely works.  Failure in any one of the multiple changes will allow your subconscious to convince you that it is impossible to succeed in ANY OF THEM.  That's why untold hordes of people join a gym on January 2nd, got for a week or two - miss a few days, get depressed and never go back.  They are trying to diet, exercise, firm up their bodies, stop smoking or drinking - all at once, and it's too hard for a regular person to exert that much self discipline all at once.

Just pick one thing that you can do that will make a positive change.  Try and do it every day for 30 days, 60 is better, so that it becomes a habit.  Once you have built one successful habit, it is so much EASIER to build a second one.  The trick is to build them one at a time.  We don't ERASE bad habits, our brains don't work that way - we need to OVERWRITE the space that was the bad habit with a new good habit.

 

Alesia - I know you feel down because your family is not giving you what you need, and frankly they might never give you that.  So what can you do?  Feeling sad isn't helping you, it just allows you to feel pity for yourself - and that is not gonna get you to where you want to go.  Look at it from their view point, you are not giving them what they want/need either, at least from their current perspective.  Basically you need to do this thing without expecting their help or support, after you have become what you wish to become, then maybe you can come to a new understanding with them ... or not.  The successful people I have met were not waiting on anyone's permission or approval to move ahead with their lives.  Whether your dad calls you son for the rest of your life is something you have NO control over - other than to not speak to him - same for your mom.  It would be nice if they treated you how you liked, but if they have no history of doing that, why would you expect that to change?  Controlled Anger is a powerful tool for change, it can focus you to achieve what you might not otherwise do.  Use these disappointments to fuel your commitment to moving forward, it's better than the alternative.

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19 hours ago, xWulffx said:

You need to burn like 7500 calories to lose one pound.  Set small goals, ie get below 300 by the end of August, 280 by Thanksgiving ect.

It would be about 7500 calories for a kilogram. You need to burn about 3500 calories to lose a pound.

 

Alesia starts a business:

jX3D9Hl.gif

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Soooo, not had a good time recently.

 

Nightmares got worse while my dysphoria hit an all time high.  I'm not coping well with being alone and my right hip (and how kinda my left too) have started in with searing pain.  Scuttled to the doctor and got some muscle relaxers which have helped greatly.  It still hurts but not to the extent that it did previously.  Either I wounded the joint in my sleep or my hips are rotating and I don't know which it is.  Its a bit late in my life for my hips to do that but then again my body has surprised me over and over with the estrogen. 

 

Also my boobs hurt really bad in the evenings especially and get all puffy, very cones out atm too.

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Sorry, that sounds rough. I wonder if a body pillow might help any for sleeping?

2 hours ago, Alesia said:

Either I wounded the joint in my sleep or my hips are rotating and I don't know which it is.  Its a bit late in my life for my hips to do that but then again my body has surprised me over and over with the estrogen. 

From what I've gathered actual hip bone geometry won't change past a certain age but rotation often still occurs since the ligaments are affected. If both hips hurt it seems to me rotation would be a more likely cause than something you did in your sleep to injure them.

 

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This past weekend I went up with my parents to South Carolina to see the eclipse, but really it was just an excuse to take a short vacation to get to spend some time together because we don't get to really do that often with my father traveling so much though we normally get to spend a couple hours together each month which is still nice. I tried to undersleep the night before so I would sleep in the car because I get super carsick and that worked about as well as being openly communist during the red scare. I wound up driving most of the way there. While in Charlston I was able to spend the evening we arrived and the whole of the next two days in grillemode and it was fantastic.

My hair has grown a lot and my face rounded that especially in girls clothing (and the small breast forms I still wear) that I can pass quite well for a grille which is fantastic and I'm super lucky for. Voice I still think needs more work but I'm working on that a lot basically just always speaking in it (it was noted though during a dnd session a couple weeks ago the voice of the admiral had gotten a lot higher and I really struggled to be able to speak in the old voice). Though in hindsight going as a guy for some of it would have probably been better because fuck it was hot particularly the first full day. The sports bras I tend to wear don't breathe well at all and hold so much heat and the forms are a block of silicone encased in plastic. So that was super sweaty and gross. I was concerned about my upper lip being a little dark / kinda green since there are still a couple hairs but my mother convinced me it was fine which was again good because it was so sweaty and using the bit of makeup to try to color correct that area didn't look particularly good because I suck at makeup and keeping my hand steady. I didn't have any issues with people bothering me or staring, except one person but that was at a point I was feeling really ill and over heated so it was probably a case of seeing someone about to puke staring. I found out one of the bras I picked up actually holds things in place really well and so used that the second day which was fantastic and a lot cooler though playing catch in the park waiting for the eclipse caused some issues because I didn't glue things on because I want to keep these ones clean and glueless for as long as I can so one of them pretty much turned upside down. Didn't have any problems either with people calling me out (and the still having a penis thing was useful for the portapotty because those were gross) though I did have one like 14 year old kid who I thought had clocked me but Im like 85% sure he was just staring at my chest.

Driving up and driving back I stayed in boymode because I have this fear of being pulled over in grillemode even though I've been pulled over a total of once ever. We visited the fort outside of Savanna which was really cool if hot and really far away from anything at all and really empty and then went into the city to get lunch. Savanna is a beautiful city, big trees, wide avenues, trees everywhere in the city, a cute cobbled river front, really it was probably the most pretty city I've ever been in (not that I seem to have any sense of aesthetics). Also walking into the restaurant we were going to eat for lunch I male-failed for the first time. It was really unexpected and confusing and it took me like a half minute to understand what happened. There must have been something about that day though since it happened two other times, once walking through a cute candy store and later at a gas station. It's really exciting to have it happen though and be recognized as a grille even if Im not making effort to pass as one, I guess it was something I never really expected to have happen. :3

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Ive already talked to most of the people on discord I chat with about this but I figured I might as well post it here for the couple of others that read here and aren't chatting friends on discord. Right now I'm enjoying strep throat. Yesterday afternoon my fever got pretty high and my dysphoria particularly with regard to my genitals got really really bad. I really wanted to cut off my genitals and came as close as going into the kitchen to grab a knife before I stopped myself realizing it was a really terrible idea. Once I was a little calmer and felt better I took my knives and put them up really high so I can't reach them and last night asked one of my friends to take away my knives and anything else that I might be able to cut with that would really hurt myself (so I still have my butter knives and plastic knives but no good knives) just in case things got super bad again as my fever started rising again. I also went ahead and distributed my address to some wotlabbers on discord just in case things ever get bad enough that I can't stop myself or I need help though hopefully I never will. I did tell my father about it and hes very glad Im okay. I didn't tell my mother and Im not planning on it since she would flip and then I might wind up in a mental health ward and I would rather avoid that unless I really need to go there.

Im doing a lot better now which is good and Im really glad I was able to come to my senses. Had I not the best case scenario I would have found myself in the emergency room and then a mental health ward, worst case and honestly most cases I probably would have died before help could arrive or they could do anything. It was all really very terrifying and I did a lot of crying last night. I've never come close to actually really hurting myself especially not like that and its really terrifying to think how close I came yesterday to really hurting or killing myself. I was really terrified having my friend come over and taking down my knives or even being near my knives. I know I have lots of people around me supporting me and overall my situation is really good between my wotlabber fronds and my family which has been really supportive and great and I'm really thankful for that but I guess it really shows how sometimes things can suddenly get really bad or out of hand.

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I figured I always vent negative stuff here so I might as well post some positive.

 

My Hair is amazing and growing well

Body hair is much reduced and if I shave parts it either doesn't grow back or comes back slowly and blond

Flannels are amazing and kinda show off or hide my boobs at will.

My skin is fookin soooooooooooooooooooooooffftttt

Lewd stuff is simply amazing now

Can actually feel emotions rather then just being a empty husk, it's hard to deal with sometimes because I never learned to process emotions in a constructive way

That's...it...I guess

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I'm finally down to 175 pounds! :fat: Lost 27 pounds so far, still have like 40 to 50 to go.

Also my chest felt like it hasnt had much growth but yesterday I noticed that there has been a decent amount of growth. When Im wearing my sports bra it pretty much obscures my stomach and you can see some ripples in the sports bra between the breasts as well as some of my shorts. Also my lips look fuller which is odd and something I wasnt expecting.

Also I am terrified of my knives which really sucks because it makes it hard to cook. I nearly broke down crying when I tried using a knife I asked my friend to bring over so I could cut bread. I had to have her cut the stuff for me. I did find a knife which looks very different that was still in my house and fortunately I don't seem so scared of it which is a good thing and have been able to cut things mostly butter >.>

Also I had to move back my face zapping another two weeks because of being on antibiotics. My face is getting super gross and my upper lip is getting darker and its awful Q~Q.

 

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So.....

 

This is what love feels like.  Its strange to relearn that it feels like.  Holy hell she's amazing though.

Also made a winter wish list on amazon for shits n giggles. https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/5VP7U6ZBWK0L

 

Hoping to stick to it and chip away with the little bit of extra money I get a month until I have it all. Unless I get a different job and am able to binge :P

 

As for body update:  breasts are probably a solid B cup, feels like I've gain half a cup size the past couple weeks.

 

Keto diet is also a go along with walking so fingers crossed.

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