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NThirtyTwo

Please Help Me Redeem My Soul

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Hello,

I hate myself.

I want the female crews. I really do. But in order to lure them to my garage, advertising free candy and Netflix isn't enough. I have to play...

Arty

I secretly hope I get team-killed every match.

 I did so solo for the first set of missions.

It was more painful than having a 250 pound, professional kickboxing champion kick me in the balls with steel toed boots...

And afterwards, relieve the pain by dipping the whole area in a bowl of Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Cream

A warning from across the pond...
By A. Chappellon July 3, 2012
Package Quantity: 1
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

Then I started the second set and am now stuck at mission SPG-10-2.

By "Stuck", I mean failed for 10ish games, as playing more of these would feel like.. having a man for diner

And serving that man copious amounts of extremely spicy Mexican food...

And then carry him on my shoulders to a rock show; giving him perfect opportunity to uncontrollably unleash hell down my neck...

And ask for more.

 So, I would really appreciate it if someone could help me finish those by playing good complimentary tanks and carrying me as needed, because I suck at arty.

WN8 should go UP as arty stats decrease.

So if anyone feels generous and wants to shorten my time spent in arty... please let me know!

Thanks.

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I have nothing useful to give you besides this link

http://forum.wotlabs.net/index.php?/topic/21787-comprehensive-“best-tank-for-mission”-list/

But you have made my day, thank you for that.

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If you're looking for someone to sock your account and play arty for you, then, sure. I'll do it. If not, then +1 for the enjoyable read.

Edited by AncientObliterator
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I have nothing useful to give you besides this link

http://forum.wotlabs.net/index.php?/topic/21787-comprehensive-“best-tank-for-mission”-list/

But you have made my day, thank you for that.

I've visited this link.

It's nice and sound, but it has one major flaw: I still have to play arty.

Really, the tank selection and methodology isn't an issue at all.

It's the psychological support I need the most...

I went to a shrink yesterday. He called the cops on me when I told him I felt like shit because I had to randomly throw bombs at people camping in order to lure some girls to my garage.

One of the cops was a big fan of WOTLabs and was really nice to me. He suggested I come here to ask for help to avoid further confusion.

If you're looking for someone to sock your account and play arty for you, then, sure. I'll do it. If not, then +1 for the enjoyable read.

Thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think it's the best idea.

For all I know, you might manage to lure the girls in with some crazy promises I won't be able to hold afterwards.

Plus, playing artillery causes major digestive failure in me. You don't want to be driving my arty. I don't even clean it up :(

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 If not, then +1 for the enjoyable read.

E: Can I invite you to LABS? I could teach you about brussels sprouts :doge:

Edited by Scout_in_da_house
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M40/M43. In garage.

I think the British arty, looking at Bert and the GC, are good arty to do missions in. You might consider grinding your way up to those tanks.

M44 might be good for some missions also.

If you have only one tank, its difficult to do has some missions are better suited for different tanks and tiers.

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I think the British arty, looking at Bert and the GC, are good arty to do missions in. You might consider grinding your way up to those tanks.

M44 might be good for some missions also.

If you have only one tank, its difficult to do has some missions are better suited for different tanks and tiers.

I can barely stand playing 10 games of arty. No way in hell I'll grind a whole line :P

 

Again the missions are not "difficult" by any stretch of the imagination.

They revolve a lot around luck (arty is at least 50% luck) and not raging because it's shit (that's where having platoon mates to support and carry me comes in).

 

For example, I am "stuck" at SPG-10-2 which is to kill 2 enemy arties. That's not hard, at all. But I have no platoon mate who is willing to play a couple arty games, so I magically only get games with 1 arty, or 2, but they get murdered by my scouts early on.

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If you've played enough of KV2, and have the S-51 unlocked you can do most of the damage/splash missions with it. Anything else I would recommend the bishop/fv304.

I don't play communist trash :)

Furthermore, again, tank selection is not a problem. No platoon mate is. That's why I post here, in looking for platoon mate, not on some mission help post!!!

 

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I'm surprised you don't get any enjoyment out of playing arty. I usually only play arty when I'm frustrated, and then I cackle with glee as I farm tears in my m53. Although grinding it is rather torturous

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I'm surprised you don't get any enjoyment out of playing arty. I usually only play arty when I'm frustrated, and then I cackle with glee as I farm tears in my m53. Although grinding it is rather torturous

I suffer from:

- Traumatic RNG dependency.

I might one shot kill you... or smack that tree like 50 feet next to you.

 

- Self hatred:

"Oh... Well, I'll try to actually punish campers"

"Oh! A FCM 50t being active and useful to his team, playing safe, using cover, etc. I'll just click in his random location"

"Boom, he's dead."

"Oh... Shit, I didn't even try to hit the campers...."

*Repeat*

 

- Destroyed moral sense:

Imagine having AIDS, and knowingly going around town fucking every willing and unwilling hole I find. But worse. That's playing arty. My conscience may never recover.

 

God help me.

 

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spam me invites, I need to get arty missions too... R.I.P me

Step aside cancer and rape victims support groups. We're the ones who have to deal with the real shit.

 

 

 

...

No seriously, cancer and rape is bad. Probably worse than Arty. Don't do it kids.

 

Will invite you for sure. Thanks!

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Ah, I misunderstood your OP. Sure, I'm good with scouts so I can help with those missions 

Put me on the spam list.

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Added both of you. Unfortunately, no opportunity tonight :/ Played a couple with some good friends and had to leave early. Will try again soon!

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SO many up votes to give, so little time.

If you'd like to add a scrub like me, I'd be happy to park my bulldog sort of next to red arty and let you blap them.  Sadly. I'll not be playing arty with you because  . . . well cancer.

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SO many up votes to give, so little time.

If you'd like to add a scrub like me, I'd be happy to park my bulldog sort of next to red arty and let you blap them.  Sadly. I'll not be playing arty with you because  . . . well cancer.

TY :)

I got SPG-10-2 yesterday in the least annoying arty game I ever played.

I actually had to move and take cover and other similar super complex tactics.

Got shit for damage, but ended up with 6 kills, 3 of which were the enemy arties, granting me the ONLY arty medal one can be proud of: For Counter-Battery Fire.

CBF.thumb.jpg.e320e7e662dc8c4b4a47f14ddd

Fight fire with fire bitches.

http://wotreplays.com/site/2168787#stats

cbf2.jpg

 

I also managed to quickly get through most of the other missions with help from one of my regular platoon mates. See replays here if you want to be disgusted:

I only have the last mission left to do, (be among top 3 damage and XP in both teams and get 2k damage).

Unless I am wrong, this one is probably easier to do solo, as if my platoon mate(s) do good, they might rob me of a spot or 2 in the DMG / XP leader-board.

I will add you regardless; can always use more platoon mates :) .

 

 

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You guys are being so dramatic. 25% of all of my games is in artillery. My most played tank is 261 (over 2k games). It's hilarious and relaxing to play. Just enjoy the ride while trying to finish your arty missions. It's just a game! Leave your morals behind and just have fun :D 

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