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Mine DPG

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Midway upon the journey of this my online tanking life.
I found meself consorting with pubbies so red,
For the straightforward pathway to 5000 DPG had been lost
Ah me! how hard a thing it is to recall
What was this pubbie slobbering, savage, and stupid,
Which in the very thought renews the fear of low DPG.
So bitter is it, death by fagtillery is little more;
 
But of the blues and light purples to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other players I saw and met there.
I cannot well repeat how there I entered,
So full was I of masturbatory slumber at the moment
In which I had abandoned the way to 5000 DPG.
But after I had reached a statistical pit,
At that point the 5000 DPG disappeared from sight
 
Which had with consternation pierced mine DPG ere on high,
Upward and beyond I looked, and I beheld its former glory
Vested already with that deepest of deep purple rays
Which leadeth other lesser unicum right by every road.
Then was that fear of sub-5000 DPG a little quieted
That in my heaving heart had endured throughout
The night of sub-5000 DPG, which I had passed so piteously.
 
And even as I, who, with distressful breath,
Forth issued my 450mm HEAT shells
after 450mm HEAT shells to the pubs beyond detectable sight,
Turns to the magical forest perilous and gazes outward the bushes;
So did my DPG, that still was fleeing and falling,
Turn itself back to re-behold the gradual decay
Which never yet a living damage-padder suffered.
After my games ended and I had rested. 
 
The way resumed I on the slippery slope downwards,
So that the firm foot on my once glorious DPG ever was the lower.
And lo! almost where the ascent in DPG began,
A fagtillery light and swift exceedingly,
Which with a purportedly spotted skin was covered o'er!
And never spotted was the fag from before my team's eyes,
Nay, rather did impede so much my way, as it one-shotted me. 
 
That was one of many times I was one-shotted. 
The time was the beginning of the morning,
The hour of time, and the pubbing season;
But not so yet filled with reds, that did not give me fear
When a deeply purple Gorilla's aspect which appeared to me.
He seemed as if against me he were coming
With fully erect chode uplifted, and with ravenous statistical lust,
 
So that it seemed the air itself was afraid of him;
And then a Pubcat, that with all hungerings for stats-nip
Seemed to be laden in her relative statistical meagreness to the Guerilla,
And many folk has caused to live forlorn in her unwonted global map rampages!
She and her deeply purple platoon brought upon me so much heaviness in the pubs,
With the affright that from her three-fold padders aspect came,
That I the hope relinquished of my ere 5000 DPG.
 
While mine DPG was decaying and falling ever the lower,
Before mine eyes did one of Valhalla present himself,
Who seemed from long-continued silence hoarse.
When I beheld him in the desert of HP pools vast,
"Have pity on me," unto him I cried,
"Whiche'er thou art, or shade or real unicum!"
He answered me: "Not man; man once I was,
 
And both my parents were of -G-,
And Guerillas by clan both of them.
from one of 'EVE's lengthy patches' was I born, though it was late,
And lived at -G- under the good Yankee,
During the time of false and lying HAVOK-wreakere.
A super-unicum was I, and I padded that most prime of stats
win rate, to heights above and beyond that of mere unicums
 
But thou, why goest thou back to such annoyance of DPG-padding?
Why climb'st thou not the Mount of excessively high win rate,
Which is the source and cause of every statistically fueled joy?"
So I made response to him with bashful forehead.
"O, Garbad, greatest of the other unicums honour and light,
Avail me the long study and great love of e-tanks
That have impelled me to explore thy replays! 
 
Thou art my master, and my model thou,
Thou art alone the one from whom I took
The beautiful play-style that once did honour to me.
Behold the beasts, the Gorilla, for which I have turned back;
Do thou protect me from him, famous super-unicum,
For he doth make my stats fall down the precipice
And yet lower still, to the lowest depths of that hellish 4900 DPG
 
"Thee it behooves me to log off and ignore thou,"
Responded he, then when he beheld me weeping,
"From this savage DPG decline thou can escape;
Because this Gorilla, at which thou criest out,
Suffers not any one to pass its hulking way,
But so doth harass its sides, that I shall destroy him;
And thou may be on the righteous path to 5000 DPG once more
 
The Gorilla, possessing a padding nature so ruthless and malign
That never doth he glut his greedy will for deeper shades of purple,
And after every cascading shade of purple is hungrier for more
Many the other padding animals with whom it platoons,
But lo! CarbonWard comes, with Veril and Maxl1023!
He shall not feed on either damage or kills or WN7,
But upon landslide victory, humilating wins, and capfasts;
 
'Twixt E100 and M60 shall his deeply purple toon drive
Of that low team of red-tarded pubs shall he be the saviour
On whose account my win rate ere high died
Veril and camador, of their padding ways 
Though every corner shall they hunt me down 
Until they have driven my win rate to the lowest depths
There from whence e-fame envy first did let them loose upon I 
 
Therefore I think and judge it for thine DPG's best
Thou platoon with me, and I will be thy scout,
And be thine eyes hence through the open fields of Malinovka,
Where thou shalt hear the desperate lamentations,
Shalt see the ceaselessly windowlicking mouthbreathers disconsolate,
Who cry out each one for the second death by invisi-tanks;
And thou shalt see thine DPG rise higher than 5000 still as I spot for thee
 
O happy is the damage farmer whom Garbad spots for!
Then he queued in the matchmaker, and I behind him followed.
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Therefore I think and judge it for thine DPG's best

Thou platoon with me, and I will be thy scout,
And be thine eyes hence through the open fields of Malinovka,
Where thou shalt hear the desperate lamentations,
Shalt see the ceaselessly windowlicking mouthbreathers disconsolate,
Who cry out each one for the second death by invisi-tanks;
And thou shalt see thine DPG rise higher than 5000 still as I spot for thee
 
O happy is the damage farmer whom Garbad spots for!
Then he queued in the matchmaker, and I behind him followed.

 

Is the first stanza you speaking, or Garbad speaking to you? It looks to be a sudden shift in perspective from yours to his, then to yours again.

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Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum, 
þeodcyninga, þrym gefrunon, 
hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon. 
Oft Scyld Scefing sceaþena þreatum, 
monegum mægþum, meodosetla ofteah, 
egsode eorlas. Syððan ærest wearð 
feasceaft funden, he þæs frofre gebad, 
weox under wolcnum, weorðmyndum þah, 
oðþæt him æghwylc þara ymbsittendra 
ofer hronrade hyran scolde, 
gomban gyldan. 
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Kewei is a rich asian nerd, quoting poetry at me...I will respond in the tradition of my people

 

Follow me tell me if you feel me
I think clickaz is tryin to kill me
Padding they dps, spittin gold til they drill me
I Keepin it real, and even if I do conceal
my criminal thoughts, preoccupied with keepin steel
See clickaz is false, stroking dey numbers, turned snitches
that used to be real, but now they petrified bitches
I'm tryin to be strong, they sendin drones out to bomb me
I listen to Yank, the only wank that can calm me
Constantly armed, my firepower keep me warm
I'm trapped in the storm, and fuck the forums when I'm gone
Bitches be warned - the veteran of wars won, you'll get torn
I'm carrying reds far, he sniping from afar
And then it's on, before I leave picture me
I solopubbing wen you punk bitches were hustlin to be free
Watch me set it, padderz don't want it, you can get it
Bet it make these jealous padderz mad I said it
Wins +Thug Life+ grolliaz, we don't cater to you hoes
Fuck with me, have a hundred fucking grillaz at yo' do',
in T-54ss.. hahahahaha, yeah gorillaz!Thug Life!

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