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The Song of the Pubbie Hoisters

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"What the hell are our pubbies doing?!"

"Nothing. Can you not tell?"




Written well before the rise of the Unicorn Era, the "Song of the Pubbie Hoisters", also known as "Oh, Pubbies", is an ancient unicorn hymn dedicated to those who pubstomp tirelessly on their crusades to carry the pubbie masses. Praised for its sentimental value, the song details only some of the countless hardships that unicorns must endure on their daily pubbing expeditions, painting a valiant and serious-faced image of the holy war between unicorns and pubbies. It sings in sympathy for all those who never fail to inflict 5000 damage, reset cap a dozen times over, and harvest gallons of pubbie tears, only to be dragged down by the noxious Sea of Red. More importantly, "Oh, Pubbies" is the oldest existing document that references one of the greatest philosophical questions of all e-history: why are pubbies so hard to carry?


"Oh, Pubbies" is believed to have been written by the "единорог", spoken of in olden unicorn mythology as "the one who could carry all". Boasting the strength of a hundred pubbies, it is said that the единорог could hoist more damage than a tank nine tiers above it. A master of vision control, it is rarely ever seen as it slays pubbies left and right, relishing in the accusations of "cheater!" and "hax!". It would flex and bolster a failing flank, clutching those who are bad@tanks, and dragging its team kicking and screaming to the final victory. Yet all stories tell of how the единорог's winrate is only 99.9%, for on one fateful battle it was one-shotted by a clicker of its own team, and thus failed to carry. From that one vengeful moment, the "Song of the Pubbie Hoisters" was born, expressing in crimson script all the combined hatred and heartfelt frustrations of unicorn-kind against the pubbie potatoes.



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In turn, the creation of this hymn began the uplifting of unicorns from the Age of Discovery to the Unicorn Era, driving forward the advancement of science and magic. Inspired by the words of the единорог, the unica developed advanced damage-farming techniques as the T57, Object 268, and WFT-100. In securing their chances of hoisting, unicorns learned to harness the magicks of preferential matchmaking, enchanted such carrying platforms as the IS-6, KV-5, and Type 59. To lift the pubbies both east and west, fast pubbie-destroyers as the Hellcat, SU-122-44, and E-25 were brought to existence. Soon, gold shells rained aplenty, egos clashed, and the standards of carrying skyrocketed. All across the world, the highest levels of the Unicorn Development Index raced from a modest 60% to well over 80%.


Even though millennia have since passed, "Oh Pubbies" remains a symbol and tribute to the unicorn's eternal struggle over winrate. Though the legendary единорог's winrate of 99.9% serves as a reminder that there may never ever be a complete victory over the Red Sea, and that pubbie hoisting is a never-ending journey, it remains the unicorn's burden to curry hard in the name of e-honure. And so long as the necessity of carrying pubbies remains, there must be outlets for the inevitable unicorn rage. For this purpose, "Oh Pubbies" has been popularized for a wide variety of uses ranging from casual unicorn karaoke, to a proud military march, to a solemn funeral dirge. Indeed, nothing produces a more calming effect than insulting pubbies in song.


Now, we present, the "Song of the Pubbie Hoisters", with translated and modernized lyrics:



http://youtu.be/88gLWwq5G5M


Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?
Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?


Parking behind our cloaked T-D,
Drooling beside our S-P-G.
Camping it for fun,
Smack-talking for fun.
Guarding our precious S-P-G!


♪♫

Guarding our precious S-P-G!
Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?


By these potatoes we see,
Fifty damage with H-E!
Blocking us for fun,
Pushing us for fun.
Fifty damage with H-E!


Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?
Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?


Oh, you - Red Sea - so heavy!
Capping fast oh so merry.
Rushing in for fun,
Lemming train for fun.
Capping fast yet not wary!


Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Red Sea, Red Sea - so heavy!

Oh, pubbies!
Oh, scrubbies!
Why are you so hard to carry?


Ey, haul the pubbies!
Hoist the scrubbies!
(Why are you so hard to carry?)


Oh, pubbies!
(Haul the pubs!)
Oh, scrubbies!
(Hoist the scrubs!)
Why are you so hard to carry?


Oh, pubbies.
Oh, scrubbies.


Close, G-G...





Tell us, then, why are pubbies so hard to carry?

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I saw this post forever ago in the main forums somewhere and I still have it bookmarked. To this day, when I feel the weight of the pubbies upon my shoulders, I turn to this song and am reminded that the reality of my struggle is not limited to myself alone. Thank you, good sir. Thank you so much.

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